I listened to a podcast today, and the biggest take away was this . . .

Your relationship is an investment. You will only receive the payout you are looking for if you are willing to pay into the relationship.

Consider your relationship to be a savings account. If you open your account with the minimum initial deposit, and then sit on it, you’ll watch your account grow minimally over time.

If you make a one time deposit, but then continually withdraw from the account, eventually your account will be empty.

The only way to make your investment grow is to continue to pay into the account steadily over time.

The same can be applied to relationships, especially within the D/s dynamic.

I’ve learned that the most successful relationships are those where both partners are continually investing in each other. Both Dominant and submissive must continually make the effort to meet their partners needs. There is no room for pride or selfishness in a D/s dynamic. For both Dominant and submissive to succeed in their roles, it requires both to place their partners needs above all else. The can be no Dominant without the submissive, nor the submissive without the Dominant. As humbling as it may be, to admit this seems key. He needs me as much as I need Him.

My experience with Him has taught me that I cannot expect to have a balanced scale within a healthy relationship. In order to have a successful relationship, you must put that train of thought aside. Give more. Love more. Listen more. Always do more. Doing “enough”, or just as much as you perceive your partner has done, will only lead to ruin. Give your partner more than they need in order to feel safe and loved. Put away the tape measure, the scale, whatever it is that you are using to judge your partners effort against your own.

If I want my Dominant to make me feel safe and loved, I must be willing to give everything He needs in order to feel the same.

This seems key when considering where I failed Him before.

I wasn’t meeting His needs. I was being selfish, withholding from Him as I felt He wasn’t giving me the security and reassurance that I wanted. This created a chain reaction of negative behaviors that over time degraded our relationship.

Were I to have taken the time to explain to Him clearly where I was feeling the relationship was deficient, I realize now that He would have done anything I needed in order to move the relationship back to the right track. My lack of clear communication led to both of us becoming guarded and finding ourselves as opposites.

The lesson here? There is no me without Him. If I am to receive the love and care from my Dominant that I crave, then I must give selflessly to Him as well.

Let’s talk about an ugly truth in the D/s lifestyle. A single submissive is an easy target for predators.

Please don’t take me as meaning that all Dominants are predators. They absolutely aren’t. In fact, the majority of the true Dominants I have encountered have been very caring, thoughtful and loving people. As with any community, vanilla or other otherwise, there is always going to be a dark side.

I’ve found this to be especially true lately, while learning to navigate the community for the first time without a Dominant’s protection.

After losing my relationship with Him, I was determined to learn from my mistakes. I promised myself that I would learn and grow from this experience. One of the paths I chose to travel was to look for a mentor to guide me in this.

My idea behind finding a mentor was simple . . . I wanted someone with an outside perspective to lend me their clarity and guidance. I felt lucky to find a committed couple who engaged in the D/s lifestyle almost 24/7. This couple seemed to have a successful dynamic, but had admitted to facing many challenges along the way.

We met for coffee or dinner several times over the course of a few weeks. Each meeting, we would explore different topics. Sometimes I would bring up challenges we had faced in our prior relationship, and ask their outside opinions on how I could have better navigated those times. Others I brought up new ideas, and asked their opinions on implementing new thoughts and techniques in a new relationship with Him.

While I was very clear from the outset, that my intention was to work through my issues so that I could be a better submissive for Him and possibly create a new relationship with Him, over time my mentors began encouraging me to discuss His flaws and ways that He could have improved in our relationship.

Let me clarify for anyone confused. It took two of us to break down our relationship. However, it is not my position to criticize or challenge Him. I am here to learn and improve on myself FOR myself. He is an incredibly intelligent man and fully capable making his own corrections without my input.

Having my mentors begin to interject their opinion of Him into our discussions should have been my first clue. The second was their insistence I should submit to a new Dominant when I was so obviously not interested.

After bringing this up to my mentors, I shared wtih them that I was feeling more and more that they were pushing me to release myself from my bond with Him in order to serve them. Sadly, they confirmed my suspicions were correct. My mentors had begun to toy with the idea of bringing me into their relationship. Whether intentional or not, they took the opportunity to try and manipulate me into serving their own needs rather than my own.

Sadly, there are a lot of similar situations within the community.

I’ve received multiple private messages from so-called Dominants who are obviously not at all well versed in the lifestyle. A true Dominant is respectful and understands a submissive controls the power until they decide to give it to their chosen Dominant. In no way does being a single submissive mean I am available to fulfill every random kinkster’s request for someone to chat with, speak degradingly to, send unsolicited cock shots to, etc.

I’ve never had a true Dominant send me anything inappropriate, disrespectful or presumptuous.

I can only imagine how a more fragile and vulnerable submissive may become the victim of a predator online or even worse, in person. Someone new and curious about the community may get the wrong impression of the lifestyle if their only exposure to the lifestyle is meeting such creeps online.

True D/s involves trust, communication, respect and love. Regardless of how you practice your craft, I think most of us who strive to “normalize” the D/s lifestyle resent the darker element that tends to prey on others.

So, if you are one of the many who sends inappropriate messages in spite of a clear label NOT TO, congratulations. You are exactly what I’m talking about.

I was introduced to a couple tonight who were inspiring in the most inadvertent way.

While discussing D/s relationships, and ways to reinforce the bond, the Dominant asked his submissive to show me every item she wore that was from him. With each item, she told me why she earned it. Earrings were given to her the first time they shared a swap experience together. Her dress was a gift from her Dominant when she had earned a promotion at work. Her necklace (collar) was given to her when they committed to their relationship. A silver ring she wore was a gift given to mark the first time she achieved subspace with her Dominant.

I laughed, saying “So almost everything you wear is bought by him in return for acts of submission?”

And her Dominant replied, “I want her to wear these things with pride, and every time she wears them to be reminded of what she did to earn them. Everything she has, is because she gives me so much. She deserves to be reminded daily of how I am devoted to her as equally as she is to me.”

He said this so quietly, with such sentiment, that I could tell it was genuine. His absolute devotion to his submissive was inspiring.

While I’m not one for many gifts, and in truth I think it would be exhausting for Him to feel compelled to mark every occasion with a trinket, finding a meaningful way to celebrate new experiences or milestones would be a valuable way to communicate to each other how meaningful our relationship is on all levels.

One of the concepts that I believe undermined my confidence and contributed to our trust issues, was one of “I don’t want to know.”

He would often tell me, if I needed someone else physically, just don’t tell Him about it. This was a hard concept for me. As His submissive, there should be nothing I can’t tell Him. Choosing to do anything with the intention of keeping it hidden from Him is wrong, and would only hurt Him at some point eventually.

The reason I feel He was giving me permission to seek release outside of our relationship was because He needed the same option for Himself. He felt it was unfair to ask me to be loyal only to Him, while He was seeking release with others.

While I tried to be open to the concept of a “Designated Hitter”, the difficulty for me lay in navigating the unsaid.

The first attempt at a DH situation was a dismal failure. He hesitantly told me one day of a woman He was acquainted with who He found physically attractive. I encouraged Him to speak to her and possibly pursue a one time situation with her.

He let me know He was meeting her for coffee, and afterwards told me she was going to be moving soon. This made me feel more secure in the situation, knowing that she would be leaving.

The problem for me came when she began messaging Him more often, and it became obvious to me that she was interested in Him for more than just a one time release. I realized that my jealousy and insecurity were going to ruin this experience for Him. I spoke to Him about my feelings, and immediately He broke things off with her.

The second attempt came through meeting a woman on a lifestyle friendly website. She was in a relationship, but looking for outside release with her partners blessing. I killed that attempt to meet up before it really even got started.

Keep in mind, we had swapped partners with other couples during this time. Our play was always in the same room, preferably the same bed, so that I could still be close to Him. I happily watched Him with other women time and time again. He was always very connected with me, even when inside another woman. I never once felt that He didn’t desire me above all others. Making love at home after an experience such as that would always be the most meaningful, with both of us seemingly starving for the other.

The third and final attempt at having a DH for Him was a woman we had both enjoyed together. We met her through mutual friends, and her first lifestyle experience was with Him. Being her first open experience was heady for Him, and I loved His reaction to having her.

Speaking with her after the first experience, I approached the idea of her meeting Him without me. She was hesitant at first, but I assured her that I enjoyed watching them together and wanted to explore this next level of experiences with both of them.

After letting Him know what I had arranged, He contemplated it, but ultimately never pursued her. When I pushed to find out why, He said she lived too far to be convenient. If He was going to drive to her, He might as well drive the additional 30 minutes to be with me in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong . . . what woman doesn’t need her man to want her? However, this was my chance to feel comfortable with attempting the fabled Designated Hitter scenario.

I knew this woman. I had spent time getting to know her and felt comfortable with her. She knew us as a couple, and respected the bond we had together. Even better, I felt more involved and in some aspects, in control, with this situation. I was actively communicating with this woman, where with the prior two women I was completely shut out. Being so used to doing everything together, not being involved only undermined the experience. I needed to know this person, to trust them. Seeing the look in His eyes when He was inside of her the first time was all the motivation I needed in order to make this happen. If ever there was an opportunity to try something new, this was it.

However, He refused. He later told me that He felt it would have gone badly in the long run, given our prior attempts, and He wasn’t willing to risk it.

He put my insecurity and need for reassurance above His own desires.

With the first two attempts, I felt paralyzed by doubt and insecurity. I knew that I had an amazing man. He is handsome, loving, charming and genuine. To me, any woman would be an idiot to NOT desire Him for themselves. My insecurity took root in the “Don’t tell me” conversations we had previously, where I began to worry that He would hide meeting these other women from me.

Having both been cheated on and been the one cheating in prior relationships, we had agreed from the very beginning that we would never do this with each other. We were determined to carry our realtionship out in honesty, and being open to each other’s needs. I had been in open relationships prior to Him, and felt confident that we could weather any storm as long as we stayed focused on being truthful with each other at all costs.

It’s amazing to me now that I could find so much pleasure in sharing Him with others, knowing He would ultimately only find release with me at home later, yet I could be so incredibly insecure all because of the “Don’t tell me” concept.

I’ve said it before, words have power.

I’m understanding now, that we pushed to experience as much as we could as fast as possible. We rushed. I should have asked Him to allow me to slow down, to climb one mountain at a time. I should have been better with communicating to Him where I was losing ground, and asked Him to help me through my negative thoughts.

Rather than feeling pressured to find a Designated Hitter for Him so early, I should have asked that He allow me time to explore what I would need in order to feel secure in that scenario. Having been there to share in the first experience He had with the third option left me feeling confident and able to consider her comfortably. I should have been more confident in waiting for the RIGHT Designated Hitter, not just ANY Designated Hitter.

So, this is where I ditch the “Don’t ask/Don’t tell” policy we inadvertently adopted in so many aspects of our prior relationship. This is where I return to our original concept of truth always and putting my partners comfort and well being above my own at any cost. No more allowing the unsaid to undermine our bond and degrade our experiences together.

No more failing Him. It’s time to turn these lessons into opportunities to move forward with confidence.

Early in our relationship, Mr. B and I discussed the idea of a contract. We were very new in our relationship, and I was freshly collared. The concept of a contract was appealing as it would lay out our expectations and commitment to each other. However, in the end, I felt it was also very limiting and somewhat “topping from the bottom”. As such, I didn’t pursue the implementation of the contract.

Now, I can see where a contract would help to ensure clear communication and focus on the bond between Dominant and submissive.

In the early stages of a relationship, a contract can be used to lay out a direction for the relationship. Covering everything from time spent together, communication, chores, discipline, physical interactions with others, and any other minute detail a couple chooses to incorporate, a contract can help to deepen the bond between Dominant and submissive while removing so much of the tenuous hold that so many new relationships hold. The contract can help to communicate commitment to each other and your relationship, and signing such a contract means that both participants are consenting to give their relationship the focus it requires in order to succeed.

If we were to move forward, I would want a clear contract between Mr. B and I.

In the beginning, I would want a contract to outline our expectations and commitment to each other during the healing/learning/growing process. A contract would ensure that we focus on walking before we try to run again. Communication, involvement with others, rituals, service and discipline should all be clearly outlined. An initial period of 30 days before renegotiating.

As each new contract unfolds, a new layer could be brought back into the relationship. This time, with clear communication and expectations. No withholding, no assumptions, just plain truth’s and wholehearted service to Him.

In the past, we discussed the possibility of bringing in a “Designated Hitter” for Mr. B when I was unavailable to him physically. I was open to the concept, but getting this off the ground was a tough road for us. Our first two attempts at this were quickly shut down by me. While Mr. B was very careful to only pursue these DH’s with my consent, I found myself feeling insecure and uncomfortable with being on the outside of the situation. I felt threatened that He would find another woman who would be a better submissive to Him and perhaps steal Him away. I recognize now that I should have trusted Him and His commitment to me, but I do see that a contract would have been helpful in this situation. A contract would outline what parameters other’s were allowed within the relationship. It would preserve certain aspects of the realtionship that I needed to hold sacred, such as bondage, submission, rough play, toys, etc. I needed anything that could be used in a scene to stay sacred between just the two of us. Were I to have voiced this with Mr. B openly, I realize now that He would have been more accepting of these boundaries than I initially gave Him credit for.

Moving on to a new relationship with Mr. B, I wouldn’t want to deny Him the opportunity for release regardless of our distance. I would just ask that He value and protect the D/s aspects of the relationship as carefully as I do. From past experience, I’ve learned that being involved in the selection of and communication with a DH is key for giving me the security I need in order to give Him the room to be who He truly is.

I can also see a contract as a key tool to use in addressing prior challenges we have faced in other areas. Long distance would need to be accounted for. Everything from the goal of the relationship long term, speaking on the phone, FaceTime, texting, emailing, every form of communication used to stay connected to my Dominant would need to be addressed. Unrealized/unspoken expectations were the downfall of our prior relationship and I refuse to bring that negative behavior forward into a new incarnation.

In the end, a contract between Mr. B and I would ensure that I put aside my pride and fully submit to Him from the very beginning. This time, learning from my mistakes and moving ahead with the confidence that He will always revere me above any other woman in His life as long as I continue to show Him the level of submission and commitment he deserves.

The hardest part of a new D/s relationship can be finding the appropriate techniques for discipline.

Recently, I participated in a group discussion regarding discipline techniques. It was eye opening to say the very least.

While most of the Dominants in the group used harsh punishment techniques, one particular Dominant said something to me that resonated.

He was very specific in saying that his submissive is a “service sub”, and he’s chosen to use discipline as another tool to deepen their bond. Rather than punish her by not allowing her to serve him as she would usually, to deprive her of time with him, or to isolate her, he would find techniques that would test her while still strengthening their bond.

In some instances, it was just adding more service related tasks to his submissives daily chores. Items he would normally handle for himself, such as filling his car with gas, picking up dry cleaning, etc. He would purposely fill her day with additional services to him. He said early in their relationship he had learned that punishments would break her and in turn, degrade their bond. Giving her additional tasks as punishment helped to center his submissive and remind her of what her focus should be — on him at all times.

Thinking back on our relationship, I can see how it would be beneficial to have more service oriented punishments rather than isolation/withdrawl. The saying “Giving someone the silent treatment only teaches them how easily they can live without you,” rings true. I can recognize where His punishments were intended to teach me to appreciate Him and the gift of having Him in my life. The issue for me, is that being more service oriented made these lessons translate into negative feelings and self doubt.

Looking towards the future, I can see where my role as a service oriented sub will require discussion regarding discipline and bonding. Perhaps both would have to be covered in a contract. Regardless, understanding myself more clearly is the key to being a more successful submissive and making Him happy. The more confident I am in who I am, the role I play in His life, and the ways that I can enrich His life, the better I will be able to give my full submission to Him.

Early in our relationship, we discussed the idea of incorporating rituals into our dynamic. While we ended up not pursuing this line of thought, I’ve come to understand how important rituals are within a D/s relationship. As a submissive, I believe rituals help to put you in the right mind space to submit before a scene.

I’ve spoken with one Dominant, who said he has a very specific ritual he goes through when preparing his submissive before a scene. He uses words of endearment and reassurance, carefully explaining to her what his goal for the scene is. He shared with me that he also has a ritual for aftercare, which he said he likens to caring for someone going through withdrawl. His submissive also experiences a severe drop/depression days after an intense scene, to which this Dominant said he pays special attention. He makes sure to follow up with his submissive that day with a special date or reward for her submission.

Another Dominant shared with me that because he and his wife share an otherwise vanilla lifestyle, he uses their ritual to help himself be mindful of his role as her Dominant. He said in prior experiences together, he didn’t understand the importance of his own mental well being as much as hers. Recognizing his duty to be a Dominant deserving of her submission drove him to create a ritual where she chooses to submit to him. The Dominant outlines for his submissive what he has planned for her, and the submissive gives her consent. Aftercare for this couple isn’t ritualized, but he did say that he pays careful attention to his submissive as she will drop randomly and he has to be prepared at any time.

Should He ever decide that I am worthy of building something new together, I would ask for Him to develop a ritual for us. While I would never deny Him my submission, it would be comforting to have that reassurance and connection before and after submitting for a scene. Given the extremes that we would sometimes push during scenes, being mentally prepared for such acts would likely help to create the mental space needed to give Him what he requires.

The same can be said for aftercare. While typically after a scene I would only need Him to wrap around me in order to feel comforted, it would be good to have a clear outline of what I need so there can be no misunderstanding. We learned that after I experience subspace, it can take hours for me to come out of the fog. We may need to experiment more in order to understand what it takes to navigate aftercare post subspace, because the normal aftercare techniques didn’t seem enough at the time.

Certainly we would need to develop a plan for the two-day drop that I experience post scene. Typically, the second day after an intense scene would find me in a depressive slump, feeling unloved/unwanted/disconnected. Were He to consider this again with me, I would ask that we develop a clear plan for weathering that two day drop. The lack of connection with Him would leave me picking a fight every time, which frustrated Him to no end.

Rituals can come into play in other areas of the relationship as well. Bedtime rituals appeal to me, as it is one of the moments when He would be most relaxed and vulnerable with me. There is something very feminine and loving about helping your Dominant bathe and prepare for bedtime. I’ve taken classes on massage techniques (mainly to help with His challenges), but would love to incorporate massage into a bedtime ritual. Devoting myself to giving Him comfort so that He can sleep would make me very satisfied.

The same can be said for other things, such as mealtimes. Many submissives I’ve spoken to have a silent ritual they go through when serving their Dominant that can be observed even in the presence of others without being detected. One such standard seems to be always serving their Dominant first. Those with children say they serve their children first, then their Dominant, and then they are given a silent signal from their Dominant once they are allowed to begin eating as well.

Many submissives help their Dominant to dress for the day as well. Some have told me they only lay out their Dominants clothing for him, while others say their Dominant requires the submissive to physically help them dress. One submissive said that her Dominant uses dressing him as a punishment when she forgets her place and challenges him, as a way of reminding her that she is in service of him.

With so many ways to incorporate subtle service into daily life, I now look at rituals as a way to help stay mindful of my role as submissive and to not step outside of my service role to Him. Rituals help to strengthen the bond between Dominant and submissive, and often help bridge the gap between vanilla and private life when necessary.

When I first met Him, we spoke about my desire to live 24/7 in a D/s relationship. While I think this could be difficult in certain situations, especially with parenting, ultimately I believe there is a way we could make this a reality.

I was asked recently, “What does service mean to you?”

In truth, service is probably a very fluid concept for me. I was raised to be very traditional. While I am an educated woman with a career, I was taught that a woman’s place is to cook, keep house, raise the children, to care for her partner, often in ways that seem incredibly old fashioned and outdated to more modern thinking women.

My concept of service prior to my relationship with Him was most likely centered around caring for my partner in the ways that I was most familiar with.

Belonging to Him taught me that service is so much more than I ever understood.

Service to Him meant being his advocate. Researching everything I could about his types of injuries, therapies, services available to Him. Service meant joining support groups and meeting other partners of men with his challenges. Service meant being patient with Him when He would become moody and withdrawn, understanding that often this was His only defense against his challenges. Service meant giving Him the space He needed even though I craved more of Him.

My definition of service now? Being able to give myself wholeheartedly to Him, providing Him with a home and partner who will always keep Him safe and meet His every need.

I realize now that the time we had together put limitations on our potential. I don’t want part time. Serving Him is not a some-time occupation.

In order to best serve Him, I want to belong to Him fully. I would want to come home to Him at night. I would want to provide the home for Him that he needs and deserves. To be His partner in any way possible. There is nothing I desire more than to give my days over to fully satisfying Him in any way possible. I’m no longer afraid of what anyone would think of our dynamic, as I’m fully willing to live openly with pride in our roles.

Service to Him means letting go of who I was before Him and being only His from now on.

Well, today was a winner.

He wasn’t happy with my prior post. He didn’t read it, but took it as though I was searching for a new Dominant.

Let me be clear, there is no room in my life for someone else.

One of the most facinating things that I have learned from my experience with Him, is the depth of the mental bond created between a Dom and his sub. I can truly understand why experienced Dom’s try to “get in your head.”

There is nothing I say or do that does not bring him to my mind. In everything I do, I think of him. I feel physically sick when I think of how angry he is towards me. If I were to even consider allowing another man to touch me, let alone another Dom, it would make me ill.

I absolutely belong to Him.

While we may be broken up, that doesn’t mean that I can so easily disconnect from Him. I’ve loved Him through more ups and downs than we should have had in our time together. He has been my world and that is not something I can just walk away from.

Having a man so thoroughly own me is an experience I never thought I would be able to experience. It’s been a gift to belong to Him as I do, and I’ve chosen not to break that.

I will continue to do the things I’ve told Him I will. I’ll continue to love Him, to serve Him, and to honor His wishes and teaches.

It may not be enough to heal us. There is no choice in this for me. I will always be His.

I am a caretaker. I think this is true of most submissives, but it is especially true of me. I am the woman others lean on for support. When there is an emergency, I am the one called to handle the fallout. Loved ones turn to me for support through all of life’s ups and downs. Over the years, I’ve hard to learn to respect myself and draw boundaries with some, as my tendency to give too much will often leave me exhausted and incapable of caring for myself.

A couple years ago I went through a transformative year. One of those years that changes who you are and teaches you to focus on what really matters. I discovered a friend mid suicide attempt, and held her hand through the ensuing chaos and three runs through rehab. I cared for her son while she was hospitalized for months, navigating tough challenges in supporting him while still parenting my own child. I lost my closest cousin, the only person who knew all of me and who loved me anyhow, my greatest protector and supporter. In the midst of a health crisis, I found my grandparents were in severe financial straits and nearly homeless. Somehow I managed to navigate nursing my Gram during her last weeks, financially supporting them both, keeping my grandparents together while my Gram was passing. I became my Grampa’s legal caretaker, responsible for his every need and cared for him during the worst years of his life and his struggle with Dimentia. I lost a beautiful aunt to breast cancer. A friend to suicide. Another cousin to a drug overdose. In the midst of all of this, I had recently accepted a new job. Oh, and I was divorcing.

At the end of that year, I felt absolutely pummeled. I could barely come up for air before another hit would come. Over and over again I would pray for the strength to keep going, to continue weathering the storms with grace and love while still doing my best to be a capable parent.

I had a year where I felt I was finally getting my feet under me again. I was doing all I could to spend every available moment with my Grampa, making happy moments with my child, and focusing on my career. Life was getting better. Every once in a while I felt like I could see the rainbow through the clouds.

Two weeks after I met Him, my Grampa died. Losing the man who had helped to raise me, who had loved my Gram so fiercely in spite of her attitude and stubborn streak, was devastating. During one of his rare moments of semi-clarity, just days before he passed, my Grampa said to me, “Peanut, you have to just find a man who is going to be strong enough to love you through it all. Love isn’t good times. The good times barely happen. It’s all the bad times that will really define you. Find you a man who will love you when you get mad, when you cry, when your mouth gets the best of you.”

I wish I could have told my Grampa that I felt I had met that man already. I knew He was the man for me right away. I could absolutely feel it that first date. I looked straight at Him at lunch and thought, “This is a man capable of loving me entirely.”

I was right.

The trouble for me, came later. When trials and outside influences really began to wear me down. I noticed I wasn’t laughing as much anymore. I never made sarcastic comments or played jokes on loved ones anymore. I wasn’t reaching out to friends as I used to. No more organizing dinners, playdates with kids, family trips. More and more I was just struggling to manage the minimum to get by.

Yesterday in therapy, I brought this up. My therapist, an amazing man who I’ve known for 9 years now, looked at me like I had suddenly started speaking in tongues.

“You do realize, you’ve got depression, don’t you?” He said.

I can only image the look of surprise on my face at that moment. My therapist knows that I often need to be given the chance to come to my own conclusions. I need him to speak WITH me, not AT me. So while certain things may be completely obvious to him, often I haven’t quite caught up with him yet.

So I sat there, open mouthed, looking at him while blinking slowly. Then I sighed.

Yes, I suppose he’s right.

“Good. Now that we got that out of the way, let it sink in. Then we can talk about how you can better handle this depression.”

Handle this depression? Are we talking more therapy? Cognitive behavior therapy? Medication? Whoa.

After an in depth discussion, giving me some reading to do at home, and scheduling another appointment, I came home to digest.

This explains so much.

Feeling emotionally numb. Isolating myself from my loved ones. Unable to find interest in hobbies and activities that used to make me happy. My lack of easy laughter and losing my sense of humor. Overreacting to situations. Forgetfulness. Lethargy, sleepiness but then being unable to sleep. Anxiety.

And the absolute worst. Picking fights in order to feel something.

That’s right, folks. My therapist believes I would pick fights with Him because I was feeling lost and at least in fighting I would feel SOMETHING.

Two people with depression in a relationship, you are bound to have moments where you both close off and isolate as a defense mechanism.

Fighting is often a coping mechanism. You can’t feel anything. But when you get angry, stressed, anxious during a fight, you are at least feeling something. And the makeup sex, the euphoria afterwards, would be almost like a high you can get addicted to.

So I suppose you can say that sneaky bitch depression snuck in and worked her magic, helping to undermine my bond with Him and push Him away.

In all fairness, it’s a bit comforting having more of an explanation. I was often telling Him, “This isn’t me. I don’t do this.” about my negative behaviors. I’ve never been one to fight. Any prior partner would back me up in this statement. I was happy and peaceful in my relationships, and would tolerate almost anything. Until I didn’t. And once I was done, I was just done. No fighting. No fanfare. Just a very definitive wall that would draw up. I can count on one hand the number of times I fought with my ex husband in our fifteen years together. My ups and downs with Him were uncharacteristic for me.

Lord only knows how He put up with me as long as He did.

So stay tuned. Who knows what therapy will bring me next week. Perhaps I’ll have more answers. Techniques to manage my depression.

For now, I’m focusing on finding myself again. The me I was before Him.

Starting with amazing tickets to the baseball game tonight. 🙂