Today I received a message on FetLife that really struck a nerve with me.
The message was from a man, soliciting me to join him and his girlfriend for the ever elusive MFF threesome.
My FetLife profile is very clear. I belong to Him. If someone wishes to message me, they must get His permission first. I’m also only on FetLife for the community.
Now, I get it. We are all on FetLife for different reasons. Some of us are there to find people to hook up with, events to attend, groups to join. Others are there for community, a chance to connect with an open minded and accepting community. Some of us are there simply to enrich our relationships, to learn from others and to participate in discussions.
There were a few things about the message that bothered me.
First, the sender obviously didn’t read my profile. I’m sure he was just scrolling through profiles in the area and hoping he could find someone passably attractive to join them. He didn’t take a moment to read my profile or even send a polite message asking to get to know me and chat a bit.
Second, after I sent a snarky response, he finally read my profile. And then emailed Him for permission to have me join them.
I felt incredibly disrespected. Being kinky doesn’t mean I’m indiscriminate. It doesn’t mean that I’m “easy” and always down to fuck just anyone. It doesn’t mean I’m here to fulfill some random strangers fantasy. I am adventurous and love meeting people, but there has to be a connection for me to be interested in anything beyond friendship. This isn’t a numbers game for me. I’m here for experiences, for myself and for Him. I don’t need to cheapen myself.
Let’s set the record straight. I am in a loving, committed relationship with Him. Our relationship just happens to be based largely on D/s. I am far beyond just His submissive. I am His partner. Together we have five children we love and nurture. We have a large family and precious friends whom we both love and care for. I am an educated professional with a successful career. I am proud to be devoted to Him, to our life together, our family and our friends. I serve Him by serving everyone He loves as well.
I am very much the average woman you see in your community. Being kinky does not make me a lesser person than others. In fact, in my mind, it makes me stronger than most. There is power in being the person to provide those distinctly feminine comforts to Him.
I go about my daily life devoted to Him in ways that most men only dream of. I give Him everything I have, in order to ensure His happiness and well being. In doing so, I am giving myself to our children as well. I give room in my heart to children I didn’t give birth to because they are a piece of Him. He protects and cares for my own child no differently than His own.
His love has given me strength beyond what I have experienced previously. With His guidance I’ve become more focused on our goals, on being a better person, on growing our relationship and our family.
Belonging to Him has taught me that I am valuable.
The message I received today was insulting because I felt it was rude. It was disrespectful and demeaning. It was a message sent by a man who is so tied up in the fantasy of MFF that he didn’t stop to realize how pathetic it was to send the numerous messages I’m sure he sent all day to multiple women. I hope the man who sent me the message takes the time to read this.
I want this man to know that in being His submissive and enjoying the relationship that we have, I am afforded opportunities for kink beyond normal imagination. I have enjoyed fulfilling every fantasy He and I both have ever had, developing new interests, exploring new situations, and leaving conventional boundaries behind. My sex life with Him is something a man like that just dreams of. None of that was achieved by sending cheap, indiscriminate messages to strangers. All of this is possible because of a deep, loving and committed relationship with Him. I submit to Him because He gives me everything I could possibly ask for.
I try not to judge others. Even if I don’t relate, I understand that we are all different. I am a part of the FetLife community because I enjoy the support of others who understand or offer differing opinions to topics that are typically taboo in polite society. I can be myself, openly, without fear.
With that said, know your audience. When sending a message to a member, take a second to see what they have on their profile. It’s pretty easy to figure out who might be open to a more casual meetup versus those of us who are in relationships with boundaries. In my experience, a little respect goes a long way.
I hope the man who sent me that message finds the opportunity to learn from the community on FetLife and perhaps it will open his eyes.