I wrote a letter to my abuser today. I am sharing it with you all in the hopes that this will help someone else to escape their own torment.

Brandon,

I have written this so many times, over and over again exploring the “why” of it all.

In the end, I’m left with the simplest of explanations.  Why?  Why did I spend two years loving someone who didn’t truly exist?  Why did I waste my life and my care on someone so unworthy?  Why did I believe the lies, and the manipulations even when my heart should have known better?  Why did I submit to someone so incapable of true, meaningful, and safe D/s?  How did I find myself with someone draining me financially for his own gain, with nothing to offer the relationship in return?  Why would someone spend two years intentionally inflicting the most devastating abuse on me? 

Why?  Because monsters truly exist.

Your constant lies and games result in devastation for everyone around you.  Your wife.  Your children.  Your family.  Your “girlfriends”.  Your side pieces.  Every time you invade someone’s life you do so with the intention of causing them grief beyond comprehension.  You find strong people to pull from, to drain them of the gifts that someone so hollow as yourself lacks.

You lied from the very beginning, and in doing so you involved me in cheating on your pregnant wife against my wishes.  I never consented to anything that you drew me into.  I made myself clear to you that I would not be a part of hurting your wife by being “the other woman” and you chose to continue to lie and deny every time you were questioned.  You lied to take whatever you could from me that would fill the emptiness inside of you.  You lied and led multiple relationships outside of your marriage and continued to collect victims anywhere you could.  You lied even as you moved back to Louisiana with the intention of moving in with your family.  You lied and invented stories of fights about me, of telling your wife about me, of moving on with your life, etc. You lied even as your wife kicked you out and you had nowhere to go.

You lied about everything.  About past and present drug use – yes, I know about the coke, pills, steroids and molly you continue to use.  About women.  About money.  About the Navy.  About your sobriety.  About your education.  There is nothing you have not lied about.  You are the first and only person I have ever known who really has no idea who they are as a human being.  You lie so much I don’t believe you understand the truth anymore.

I wanted to believe that you were a man capable of evolving, growing, understanding, and giving.  I wanted to believe in the man who said he loved his children and would do anything for them, their safety, their futures and their general well-being.

But again, in this, you lied.

Your actions continually cause your children pain.  You selfishly inflict heartache on the most innocent in your life.  You inflicted this same pain purposefully on my own daughter.  I will never forgive myself for allowing you to invade her precious life and cause her harm.  You truly don’t deserve or appreciate the blessings you were given in life.

I know there will never be a moment where you feel remorse.  I don’t believe you are capable of normal emotions, feelings, thoughts.  Only someone monstrous could live the life you have lived.  You yelled at me once, saying “I got involved in the lifestyle so that I could do anything I want!”  I should have run then.  I should have listened to my heart when it screamed at me to leave you far behind.

Finding out you were cheating?  That was dreadful.  But finding out the multitude of women you cheated with?  That was revolting.  You intentionally withhold information from partners that could affect their long term health and well-being.  In doing so, you willingly put your partners at risk for HSV and HPV.  Let me be clear in this – you do not have the right to make these choices for others.  I’ve said it to you before, you took my choice from me in this matter.  Your actions in this are unconscionable and indefensible.

You are adept at lies and half-truths.  Just enough information to make your sources feel you are contrite, and possibly capable of normal human emotions and growth.  I know now what a foolish idea this was.  I know that you use this tactic repeatedly on the women you draw into your life.  Once your lies have run out with one, you move on to the next victim.  I know that you may tell a small percentage of truth, but in doing so, you use that truth to hide a mountain of lies.

I know that in reaching out to your wife, you feel I betrayed you.  None of that matters to me anymore.  I owed her my apologies for ever believing in you and in doing so causing her pain.  In belonging to you, I hurt your children.  There is nothing that will ever be able to make this up to them.  They were innocent in all of your games, and didn’t deserve what you’ve done to them. 

I wish I had reached out to her when I first learned she was pregnant.  As a woman, I owed it to both of us to do better.  I failed.

In submitting to someone so incapable and abusive, I failed.  All of my hard work, my good that I felt in my heart I was doing, was put to the use of someone lifeless inside.  My efforts were twisted, and abused, and used to cause further distress to other innocent victims.  Just as much, I didn’t deserve being a toy in your game.  I didn’t deserve being used, abused, lied to, stolen from and betrayed in such a horrific manner.  I was good to you, Brandon.  More than you ever deserved. 

There is nothing you could ever say or do that would convince me you are anything close to the man I thought you were.  That person never existed.  I’ve felt grief beyond measure for that man, because that man was worth everything to me.  That man was worth putting my own dreams aside to support him instead.  That man was worth disregarding my family, my friends, and even my daughters wishes so that I could care for him.  That man was never there, never existed in you.  To say that realization broke my heart is an understatement.

Knowing that I am free of the abuse you inflicted on me gives me hope.  I know that there will be hard days as I recover from the trauma you inflicted.  Putting you in the past is the greatest gift the universe has given me.  I start every day thankful you no longer exist in my life.  I end every night praying for your children who will unfortunately bear this burden throughout their lives.  I find comfort in knowing that my instincts were never wrong, that I was absolutely right every time I questioned you. 

There will never be another monster in my life like you, and for that I am infinitely thankful.  The lessons learned in belonging to you will serve to keep me safe in the future from anyone as horrific as you.  In spite of everything, I wish you peace.  I wish you recognition.  I wish you truth.  I hope the women you are currently hurting find their escape much sooner than I did.  I hope someday, when you are alone and realize how worthless your lies were, that you finally feel the same pain you have inflicted on others.  And I hope too, despite this, you eventually find yourself and some true feeling and happiness in life.

Good luck to you, Brandon.

Or maybe I should say, I was RIGHT all along.

I found out this weekend that my Dom, who always sat in judgement of “fakes” in the lifestyle, is himself a fake. He’s the worst kind of fake, living not just a double life, but quadruple lives. He was a different person for each “relationship” in his life, draining each woman of different resources. The amount of women he is able to maintain connections with is mind-boggling – even to someone open to multiple relationships. The level of pain he inflicts on anyone he comes into contact with is astronomical.

The eye opening moment was a relief. For the entire duration of our relationship I have questioned him. Finding out that I was right EVERY SINGLE TIME was a weight lifting from my shoulders. I no longer feel so confused. I no longer feel so pressured to continually feed his need for nurturing and love. I no longer feel unable to laugh or joke for fear of his fragile ego and temper. I’m no longer spending my days feeling on edge that I may have forgotten to attend to one of his many needs.

I feel oddly and happily at peace with losing him. That is the best part of this. I can see him clearly now for the sociopath addict loser that he clearly is.

The hard part is realizing that his lies and manipulations made me a part of something I never consented to. THAT is what really hurts. Knowing that truth and consent were absolute neccessities for me, he still lied and used me. In doing so, I inadvertently caused pain to people who didn’t deserve it.

When this first happened I thought I was done with the lifestyle. I wanted to escape it all and give up. But after a few days of reflection, I am incredibly proud of myself. I gave everything to someone undeserving, but I still found out the depths of my ability to love and serve. If I can do so much for someone so pathetic, I can only imagine how amazing life will be with the RIGHT person.

I’m making amends to the people I helped hurt, even though I was never aware of the true story. In doing so, I’m finding comfort, friendship, and peace where I least expected it. I’m allowing my loved ones to care for me and help me heal. I’m finding myself smiling more, laughing more, making jokes, having more moments that make me feel “Me” again.

Being a submissive is powerful, and allowing a fake “Dom” to rob me of my confidence was weak of me. I need to take the time to work on believing in the power of my own submission.

There came a point in my life where I realized I was living a half life.  I was done being told who others felt I should be, how others felt I should behave, what I should be interested in.  When I felt pulled to the left, someone would tell me I should go right.  There was never a time when I felt I could truly be myself without letting someone down.  I never expressed myself or followed my own interests, and over the years I felt caged and depressed.

There was a point where I broke.  I quite honestly stopped caring so much about everyone else and their opinions or thoughts.  I realized life is too short and too precious to waste living a lie.  I decided to be fair to myself and to be a happy, healthy mother meant that I needed to stop pleasing others and learn to please myself.

Even though I can pinpoint the exact moment where I had this epiphany, it took years for me to truly get to a place where I felt comfortable with this philosophy.  I would fall back on old habits, appease others at my own expense.  I would minimize my thoughts, fears, accomplishments, dreams, opinions, only to realize I was losing myself again and start the fight for myself all over again.

When I met Him, I was truly ready for something REAL. 

Dating while kinky is a heartbreaking challenge.  Dating in general is a mess, with a complete lack of honesty the norm and everyone playing games for sport.  Being kinky and attempting to date seriously is likely one of the worst experiences of my life.  No one wants to be used for the novelty of kink, or judged negatively for their self expression through kink.  There’s no personal connection or depth to the online dating world, especially when you involve kink.  Meeting Him was a complete surprise.

It wasn’t that He was so honest.  He wasn’t, really.  He’s always been guarded but He was more so in the beginning.  It was that He didn’t judge.  He didn’t make me feel less valuable as a woman because I was so open with my kink preferences.  He was open minded, encouraging and enthusiastic without being a pig.  He was truly the first man I can say has ever made me feel like I meant something to Him with or without the kink.

So what is it, truly, about D/s that drew me?  What does D/s offer me that I didn’t have in my life before?

Solid ground. 

As someone who grew up in a tumultuous family, with the threat of abandonment constantly held over my head, it’s easy to see that the security of a D/s relationship is powerful.  I’ve never had an anchor in life.  Having the absolute presence of an active, caring Dominant is key for me.  His presence is grounding for me.  He gives me something I can rely on like nothing ever before in my life.

The ability to feel.

I’ve always been taught to guard my feelings.  Expressive people have long made me uncomfortable, never knowing what to say or do in response to genuine feelings from others.  This is obviously what led to me always attracting emotionally unavailable men.  I married a man who after five years of living together still had never said the words, “I love you.”  So many times in my life I would avoid or deflect feeling or expressing myself.  With D/s, there is no hiding.  I don’t have the ability to guard my feelings from Him.  Whether allowing myself to feel the pleasure/pain when we make love, or to feel and express my emotions freely, D/s has given me the ability to really FEEL EVERYTHING for the first time in my life.  Even more complex, the territorial ownership from my Dominant is the only time I truly feel loved, wanted or cared for in a deep and meaningful way.  His Dominance speaks to me in a way I’ve never felt from anyone.

Safety

Having never felt safe in any relationships with family or partners in life, D/s has given me the unique opportunity to experience safety.  I am not allowed to withhold anything from Him, which means I must even come to Him with difficult matters.  Our D/s relationship means that I can feel confidence that there will be nothing He wouldn’t accept from me.  There’s nothing to hide, nothing to keep from Him.  This is a new experience for me as in all my prior relationships I’ve kept parts of myself hidden from my partners.  Fear of disapproval or disagreement always drove me to hide my true self.  With D/s I have the gift of knowing I am safe to bring anything to Him and He will stand by me without judgement.  The more He dominates me, the safer and more secure I feel in Him and our relationship. 

Strength

This is an interesting side effect of the care I receive in a D/s relationship.  For most of my relationships, I was made to fee I should be dependent upon a man for anything I should need.  I was taught that as a woman, I was weak and must always defer to my partner.

With D/s, and particularly with Him, I am empowered.  He gives me His strength.  He teaches me and guides me to be strong independently by drawing from Him.  Even in moments where I am weak, physically or mentally, His care bolsters me. 

Opportunity

I’ve learned from Him that a relationship with kink is always filled with opportunity.  I can find a multitude of meaningful ways to serve Him, both vanilla and kink, without boundaries.  My thoughts, dreams and curiosities are never limited.  The opportunity to explore anything and everything that interests me is possible through my relationship with Him. 

For people who haven’t experienced D/s with a competent Dom, I feel sorry for them.  Knowing how much the lifestyle has given to me in such a short time gives me hope for my future, for our relationship, and the possibilities. 

We’ve hit a rough patch lately. It’s afforded me the opportunity to look at our relationship as a whole, both the good and the bad. I’ve been taking the time to really consider what He brings to my life and if belonging to Him is the correct choice for me still.

I’ve always felt that being His is not actually a choice. It is a calling. I have felt drawn to Him in ways never felt before with anyone else from the day we first met. Even in the beginning, when we were both learning and figuring things out together, I knew this was who I was meant to belong to.

So now, as things have been strained and difficult, I’ve chosen to reflect on the gifts that He gives me in our relationship.

He gives me security. He is the person I come to for everything in life. For guidance, consolation, companionship, to share humorous moments, for parenting. He is the first person I think of in the morning, the last I think of at night.

He understands me like no one ever has. He knows the parts of myself that I would otherwise keep hidden from the world. With Him, I have no choice but to be honest with myself about my weaknesses and shortcomings. He encourages me to work on improving myself and becoming a better person, without making me feel poorly for it.

He gives me opportunity. Admittedly I need plans, solid ground to stand on. He gives me the chance to slow down, to appreciate life as it unfolds. He gives me the chance to trust Him to shape our future together in a way that will make all of our dreams come true.

He gives me the chance to express myself fully as a submissive woman. He never limits my submission, and never see’s my submission as invaluable. I am appreciated for being who I am in my core, something I have never had in my life before.

He shares the same family values and respects the commitment to our loved ones without question. I’ve never had a partner in life who valued family as He does. Even more so, He values “chosen family” just as much as blood relatives. We come from similar family backgrounds, and He shares the same love of those who choose to stand by you. I appreciate His care for His children and mine, for our families, and for the people we both hold dear.

Although He is reserved, He communicates to me His feelings and intentions in his actions. He challenges me to learn to express myself in ways I have never before. In my submission to Him I work daily to express my feelings and commitment to Him.

He gives me opportunity to explore my submission, my dreams and kink interests without judgement. I am encouraged to share openly any thoughts and interests I may have. He has never made me feel like I am only good for kink, which encourages me to grow in my interests. I am not limited to my kink, nor is my kink ever limited. The opportunities are endless with Him leading me.

Too often lately I’ve focused on what was making me unhappy, rather than appreciating all the gifts He gives to me in our relationship. I can see now where that focus has contributed to pulling us off course. Rather than finding fault in each other and our bond, I’m working to turn to a more positive mind set. Focusing on the gifts that He gives me and all that He brings to my life.

He gives me the chance to be my true self, something no one else has ever done. Without Him, I would never know the strength of my submission and the power in me. He makes me grow and change for the better every day, and for that I will always love Him.

Today I received a message on FetLife that really struck a nerve with me.

The message was from a man, soliciting me to join him and his girlfriend for the ever elusive MFF threesome.

My FetLife profile is very clear. I belong to Him. If someone wishes to message me, they must get His permission first. I’m also only on FetLife for the community.

Now, I get it. We are all on FetLife for different reasons. Some of us are there to find people to hook up with, events to attend, groups to join. Others are there for community, a chance to connect with an open minded and accepting community. Some of us are there simply to enrich our relationships, to learn from others and to participate in discussions.

There were a few things about the message that bothered me.

First, the sender obviously didn’t read my profile. I’m sure he was just scrolling through profiles in the area and hoping he could find someone passably attractive to join them. He didn’t take a moment to read my profile or even send a polite message asking to get to know me and chat a bit.

Second, after I sent a snarky response, he finally read my profile. And then emailed Him for permission to have me join them.

I felt incredibly disrespected. Being kinky doesn’t mean I’m indiscriminate. It doesn’t mean that I’m “easy” and always down to fuck just anyone. It doesn’t mean I’m here to fulfill some random strangers fantasy. I am adventurous and love meeting people, but there has to be a connection for me to be interested in anything beyond friendship. This isn’t a numbers game for me. I’m here for experiences, for myself and for Him. I don’t need to cheapen myself.

Let’s set the record straight. I am in a loving, committed relationship with Him. Our relationship just happens to be based largely on D/s. I am far beyond just His submissive. I am His partner. Together we have five children we love and nurture. We have a large family and precious friends whom we both love and care for. I am an educated professional with a successful career. I am proud to be devoted to Him, to our life together, our family and our friends. I serve Him by serving everyone He loves as well.

I am very much the average woman you see in your community. Being kinky does not make me a lesser person than others. In fact, in my mind, it makes me stronger than most. There is power in being the person to provide those distinctly feminine comforts to Him.

I go about my daily life devoted to Him in ways that most men only dream of. I give Him everything I have, in order to ensure His happiness and well being. In doing so, I am giving myself to our children as well. I give room in my heart to children I didn’t give birth to because they are a piece of Him. He protects and cares for my own child no differently than His own.

His love has given me strength beyond what I have experienced previously. With His guidance I’ve become more focused on our goals, on being a better person, on growing our relationship and our family.

Belonging to Him has taught me that I am valuable.

The message I received today was insulting because I felt it was rude. It was disrespectful and demeaning. It was a message sent by a man who is so tied up in the fantasy of MFF that he didn’t stop to realize how pathetic it was to send the numerous messages I’m sure he sent all day to multiple women. I hope the man who sent me the message takes the time to read this.

I want this man to know that in being His submissive and enjoying the relationship that we have, I am afforded opportunities for kink beyond normal imagination. I have enjoyed fulfilling every fantasy He and I both have ever had, developing new interests, exploring new situations, and leaving conventional boundaries behind. My sex life with Him is something a man like that just dreams of. None of that was achieved by sending cheap, indiscriminate messages to strangers. All of this is possible because of a deep, loving and committed relationship with Him. I submit to Him because He gives me everything I could possibly ask for.

I try not to judge others. Even if I don’t relate, I understand that we are all different. I am a part of the FetLife community because I enjoy the support of others who understand or offer differing opinions to topics that are typically taboo in polite society. I can be myself, openly, without fear.

With that said, know your audience. When sending a message to a member, take a second to see what they have on their profile. It’s pretty easy to figure out who might be open to a more casual meetup versus those of us who are in relationships with boundaries. In my experience, a little respect goes a long way.

I hope the man who sent me that message finds the opportunity to learn from the community on FetLife and perhaps it will open his eyes.

Tonight I was blessed to have a relaxed, entertaining dinner with close friends from work. While we were laughing and enjoying our time together, one of the girls in the group said to me, “You have been so much happier and healthier in the last few months and I really wanted you to know how much it shows.”

It was one of the nicest compliments I have received in a long time, and it really struck me. I have His influence to thank in a lot of that.

On the drive home I was thinking to myself, what is it that has changed so significantly in the last few months?

The first thing that came to mind was that I finally feel safe in belonging to Him. I no longer allow my anxiety to push me to incessantly question His intentions. We are both equally focused on our relationship, caring for each other, our children, and building a life together. We’ve found ourselves at a point where the D/s aspect of our relationship is something we are both proud of and comfortable with, and from that comes great confidence and security. I wear my collar with more pride than ever before.

His influence doesn’t stop there. He really does embody what a loving Dominant should be. He isn’t at all controlling or domineering. Instead, He leads me with love and grace. He will offer guidance and suggestions, but ultimately He gives me the chance to make my own decisions. More and more, I’m learning (the hard way) to trust His intuition and to respect His opinions. Rather than my more “vanilla” response of “How dare he tell me what to do?”, I’m giving thought to what He offers me.

Because of Him, I am learning to choose my friends more wisely. I’m learning to be more comfortable with setting boundaries, and prioritizing my own well being above others. He has encouraged me to end relationships that were negative and draining me, and to focus on the healthy relationships in my life. I’m not always the best at letting go of failing friendships, but learning to make peace with that is a gift He is giving me.

He is encouraging me to focus on my mental health, especially through therapy. He has always been open and supportive in this part of my journey, but lately He has guided me to focus on therapy. I’m finding myself more able to see the areas I want to improve upon, and my approach to my therapy appointments has changed. I now go in with a list of thoughts, or improvements to recognize, and then ask for guidance on current areas I am working to grow in. I’m recognizing that success in therapy is helping me to be a better woman, and I’m incredibly proud of the progress I am making. I’m tackling projects that I had put off, not feeling mentally up to the task until now, and much of that is due to His influence. I spoke negatively of myself the other night and His immediate response was to make me recognize my positive attributes. He doesn’t allow me to think negatively about myself, and devotes Himself to reminding me that I am special.

I’ve always felt “wanted” by Him, even from our first date. That has grown over time. Now I would say he makes me feel “treasured”. I am far beyond His girlfriend, and for us, the commitment is deeper than how we both treated our prior marriages. I belong to Him in a way that no one else has ever owned me. He expresses His feelings to me, reminds me that He is thankful for the ways I serve Him, and gives me so much love in return, that saying I feel “treasured” is the closest way I can adequately describe my feelings. He is thoughtful, loving, guides me and cares for me in ways I really didn’t expect my Dominant to do so.

Belonging to Him has truly been a life altering experience. Having His love and guidance has given me strength and confidence. He has taught me that I am more than just His, but being His is the most important thing I can be. I feel stronger and more capable of handling all the challenges our life throws out at us because I have His strength to draw on. He truly takes His commitment to me to heart, and that love has influenced every part of my life in a beautiful, positive way.

Something remarkable happened the other night. I had the opportunity to have an honest, comfortable discussion with an ex regarding our prior relationship.

During the course of the conversation I was able to express to him some things that perhaps were left unclear when we first broke up. How his actions made me feel insecure, as if he was always looking for something else. How hurt I was by his cheating. How I felt he was dishonest with me about his feelings towards the lifestyle, and that in the end he did judge me personally for my views and feelings towards the lifestyle.

Clearing the air was cathartic. I was able to say things that I had previously held back. I spoke openly about my views on our prior relationship and where we had both gone wrong.

In the process, I realized something incredibly important. My relationship with Him has helped to heal me.

I’m not saying I’m “cured”, but certainly our relationship and His care has given me strength and clarity where before there was none.

As anyone single within the lifestyle can tell you, dating can be tricky. You struggle to find someone capable of the depths that D/s requires, someone who see’s you as more than just the kink.

With Him, I’ve found that. He has taught me that I am valued, far beyond our lifestyle. He gives me the support and encouragement to conquer situations that have otherwise intimidated me. I’m learning to communicate better, to express myself clearly. To give room for each other to grow. He is my safe place, someone I can give my honest self to without fear of judgement or repercussion.

In having the conversation this week with my ex, I was able to stand up for myself in ways that I never had before. I recognized that in prior relationships, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that undermined my self confidence and devalued my lifestyle experience.

Belonging to Him has given me the opportunity to learn more about myself, the gift of my submission, and the value of giving my honest, true self to my relationship.

I was initially attracted to the lifestyle by the open, accepting community. Never could I have imagined the way my relationship with Him would grow and develop into the happiest, most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. Belonging to Him, being loved and cared for in such a profound way, has changed me. I’m able to draw on my training and lessons from Him and use them to grow in my daily life. When having the conversation with my ex, I gave thought first to whether the conversation would benefit our relationship or myself first. I then thought of what He would want me to say, to focus on being healthy and happy, and to let go of past hurts that may be holding me back in my submission to Him.

His care and training has shaped me into a more thoughtful, focused woman. I’m prioritizing my life better, giving my energy where He guides me. I’m capable of having hard discussions, giving grace, asking for forgiveness, expressing myself, and at some point I hope to be a more patient woman. He makes sure that I feel wanted, appreciated, heard and cared for. He leads our relationship, and our family, with a generous heart. He truly embodies what a loving Dominant should be.

Never would I have anticipated kinky sex would open the door to being loved and nurtured in the most profound way.

+.

I can be stubborn to a fault. I can admit that. I don’t like to admit when I’m wrong, however.

Today, I’m having to accept I may have been wrong for the entire last year. It sucks.

My therapist encouraged me to reach out to Him, to explain my feelings and concerns, and to ask to speak openly.

His recommendation was made obviously to encourage healthy communication in my relationship and to repair any damage that has been done lately.

In therapy, we discussed how I feel that He and I do not talk things out. We step over them and move on. The problem with that method is that it doesn’t bring us closer together. I leaves so much unsaid, and so much to deteriorate our bond.

There should be no walls. No division. No secrets. No lies. We should be one team working towards the same goals. No ego.

One of the things that first attracted me to Him was His ability to be so open with me about His recovery and failures. I found Him so refreshing and was able to put so much faith in Him immediately. I thought this was a man who was going to be capable of facing lifes challenges side by side as a team. I loved that He was able to admit His past mistakes, and expressed how He was working to move ahead.

I saw a man who was never going to be perfect, but who would be honest with me about his flaws, failures and setbacks.

It’s hard now to look back and realize I might have been wrong. I can’t remember the last time we had a productive conversation and focused on healing and growing.

I don’t want to be wrong about Him. I want to get back to where we were. Where He was learning who He was sober, growing and changing. Where I was able to love Him freely, without feeling the need to hold back or withdraw my submission.

Because yes, at this point, I am considering withdrawing my submission fully.

All I can do now is hope. Hope that He will put ego aside. Hope that the man who wanted to grow and change beyond his prior narcissistic selfish ways will come back to the surface. Without that, I can’t see myself staying in the relationship.

I’m capable of so much, and with Him I have learned more about myself and my submission that I ever knew before. I feel stronger, more deserving of love and respect, and less willing to settle.

My fairy tale isn’t a castle with white horses and a prince who always rescues me. My fairy tale is Him, with me, raising our children, working towards our goals, being happy and healthy together.

I was in trouble the other day, and He gave me several tasks as punishment. One of which was writing an essay on Respect and Boundaries.

I wrote it. Tonight I re-read it. Deleted it.

Sometimes it can be therapeutic to look over what you’ve written and find a new perspective.

The last few weeks have been absolute heartbreaking chaos and stress. I’ve honestly never felt so stretched thin before in my life. I feel like a failure as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and especially as His. I’m struggling to find a foothold every morning. To stay focused on the positive. I’m admittedly depressed and fighting hard to get through it. I finally gave in and consented to taking prescription antidepressants, as much as that makes me feel even more of a failure.

While I realize I am at the breaking point, I have failed to take the steps I needed to protect and heal myself.

I strive to serve Him with no boundaries. However, I’m learning that there are going to be times I need to respect myself enough to recognize my limits. I failed to do so recently and it’s led me to a breaking point.

Remember when I said that a D/s relationship (or really, any relationship) is like an account? You cant keep making withdrawls if you aren’t making deposits, eventually the account runs in the negative.

My account is officially empty.

I get that as a submissive I don’t get to pick and choose when I serve. I belong to Him. I made the choice to belong to Him. In doing so, I gave Him the power to decide where our relationship is going. I follow His lead. It is up to Him to determine when I am deserving and really, what I am deserving of.

While I’ve been enjoying His new openness and honesty, I’m also finding myself completely disregarding my own needs. The need to be His, to submit physically, to be touched and held. To be able to be close to Him. The need to feel special to Him, to feel connected to Him above anyone else.

I’ve asked. I’ve hinted. Each time is met with a, “No.”

Tonight I learned, I can only take so much.

So while I did my duty and arranged for Him to have physical release, I sat here and worried when I didn’t hear from Him as normal. In my worry, I realized I had reached my limit.

Here is my wall. I need to respect it.

My love is unconditional. I am capable of great things for Him, for our children, for our families and friends. I ask for next to nothing from anyone. I am the one to take care of everyone else, always. I am always making deposits in everyone elses’ accounts. His. My daughters. His children, if at all possible. My family. Friends. I learned the hard way to be fearless in expressing my love to others, but that does come with a price. I wear myself out taking care of everyone else. Learning to recognize my limit and respect that has been a challenge.

Tonight while I worried, it wasn’t about Him being intimate with someone else. I know what that is. I understand He needs physical release. I don’t resent Him for it or deny Him.

I realized tonight that I worried because if something happened to Him, I would never know. I would never be able to be there for Him. I would never be the one someone would call. It was unnerving, depressing, and eye opening.

I’m still the other woman. I can’t go visit Him because of it. Instead, I’m here, feeling like a basic secretary while He is intimate with someone else. I sit here sending emails on His behalf, following up on things for us and our future, and inside I feel numb.

When is it ok as a submissive to say you can’t continue pushing boundaries while your account is so empty? When is it ok to say you need your Dominant to understand you and respect you just as you respect Him? That you need Him to own you in a way that makes you feel unique, connected, and intimate, and you aren’t getting it?

I recognize that by expressing myself to Him, it likely won’t be received well. But to continue while feeling this way is only going to lead to disaster for us.

So here is where I recognize that I need to respect myself. I should stop feeling ashamed of my feelings, and learn to express myself openly regardless of whether He will respect me or not. Here is where I recognize that to continue our relationship the way we have envisioned, there will be time we need to take a step back and repair ourselves and our relationship before we can continue.

Being a Dominant takes more commitment and care than I believe an average relationship does. It won’t always be easy. There will always be challenges. But I belong to Him, and trust that He will work with me. My commitment to Him is truly unconditional, and there is nothing I won’t do to make our relationship stronger.