R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Today I received a message on FetLife that really struck a nerve with me.

The message was from a man, soliciting me to join him and his girlfriend for the ever elusive MFF threesome.

My FetLife profile is very clear. I belong to Him. If someone wishes to message me, they must get His permission first. I’m also only on FetLife for the community.

Now, I get it. We are all on FetLife for different reasons. Some of us are there to find people to hook up with, events to attend, groups to join. Others are there for community, a chance to connect with an open minded and accepting community. Some of us are there simply to enrich our relationships, to learn from others and to participate in discussions.

There were a few things about the message that bothered me.

First, the sender obviously didn’t read my profile. I’m sure he was just scrolling through profiles in the area and hoping he could find someone passably attractive to join them. He didn’t take a moment to read my profile or even send a polite message asking to get to know me and chat a bit.

Second, after I sent a snarky response, he finally read my profile. And then emailed Him for permission to have me join them.

I felt incredibly disrespected. Being kinky doesn’t mean I’m indiscriminate. It doesn’t mean that I’m “easy” and always down to fuck just anyone. It doesn’t mean I’m here to fulfill some random strangers fantasy. I am adventurous and love meeting people, but there has to be a connection for me to be interested in anything beyond friendship. This isn’t a numbers game for me. I’m here for experiences, for myself and for Him. I don’t need to cheapen myself.

Let’s set the record straight. I am in a loving, committed relationship with Him. Our relationship just happens to be based largely on D/s. I am far beyond just His submissive. I am His partner. Together we have five children we love and nurture. We have a large family and precious friends whom we both love and care for. I am an educated professional with a successful career. I am proud to be devoted to Him, to our life together, our family and our friends. I serve Him by serving everyone He loves as well.

I am very much the average woman you see in your community. Being kinky does not make me a lesser person than others. In fact, in my mind, it makes me stronger than most. There is power in being the person to provide those distinctly feminine comforts to Him.

I go about my daily life devoted to Him in ways that most men only dream of. I give Him everything I have, in order to ensure His happiness and well being. In doing so, I am giving myself to our children as well. I give room in my heart to children I didn’t give birth to because they are a piece of Him. He protects and cares for my own child no differently than His own.

His love has given me strength beyond what I have experienced previously. With His guidance I’ve become more focused on our goals, on being a better person, on growing our relationship and our family.

Belonging to Him has taught me that I am valuable.

The message I received today was insulting because I felt it was rude. It was disrespectful and demeaning. It was a message sent by a man who is so tied up in the fantasy of MFF that he didn’t stop to realize how pathetic it was to send the numerous messages I’m sure he sent all day to multiple women. I hope the man who sent me the message takes the time to read this.

I want this man to know that in being His submissive and enjoying the relationship that we have, I am afforded opportunities for kink beyond normal imagination. I have enjoyed fulfilling every fantasy He and I both have ever had, developing new interests, exploring new situations, and leaving conventional boundaries behind. My sex life with Him is something a man like that just dreams of. None of that was achieved by sending cheap, indiscriminate messages to strangers. All of this is possible because of a deep, loving and committed relationship with Him. I submit to Him because He gives me everything I could possibly ask for.

I try not to judge others. Even if I don’t relate, I understand that we are all different. I am a part of the FetLife community because I enjoy the support of others who understand or offer differing opinions to topics that are typically taboo in polite society. I can be myself, openly, without fear.

With that said, know your audience. When sending a message to a member, take a second to see what they have on their profile. It’s pretty easy to figure out who might be open to a more casual meetup versus those of us who are in relationships with boundaries. In my experience, a little respect goes a long way.

I hope the man who sent me that message finds the opportunity to learn from the community on FetLife and perhaps it will open his eyes.

The Positive Side Effects of D/s

Tonight I was blessed to have a relaxed, entertaining dinner with close friends from work. While we were laughing and enjoying our time together, one of the girls in the group said to me, “You have been so much happier and healthier in the last few months and I really wanted you to know how much it shows.”

It was one of the nicest compliments I have received in a long time, and it really struck me. I have His influence to thank in a lot of that.

On the drive home I was thinking to myself, what is it that has changed so significantly in the last few months?

The first thing that came to mind was that I finally feel safe in belonging to Him. I no longer allow my anxiety to push me to incessantly question His intentions. We are both equally focused on our relationship, caring for each other, our children, and building a life together. We’ve found ourselves at a point where the D/s aspect of our relationship is something we are both proud of and comfortable with, and from that comes great confidence and security. I wear my collar with more pride than ever before.

His influence doesn’t stop there. He really does embody what a loving Dominant should be. He isn’t at all controlling or domineering. Instead, He leads me with love and grace. He will offer guidance and suggestions, but ultimately He gives me the chance to make my own decisions. More and more, I’m learning (the hard way) to trust His intuition and to respect His opinions. Rather than my more “vanilla” response of “How dare he tell me what to do?”, I’m giving thought to what He offers me.

Because of Him, I am learning to choose my friends more wisely. I’m learning to be more comfortable with setting boundaries, and prioritizing my own well being above others. He has encouraged me to end relationships that were negative and draining me, and to focus on the healthy relationships in my life. I’m not always the best at letting go of failing friendships, but learning to make peace with that is a gift He is giving me.

He is encouraging me to focus on my mental health, especially through therapy. He has always been open and supportive in this part of my journey, but lately He has guided me to focus on therapy. I’m finding myself more able to see the areas I want to improve upon, and my approach to my therapy appointments has changed. I now go in with a list of thoughts, or improvements to recognize, and then ask for guidance on current areas I am working to grow in. I’m recognizing that success in therapy is helping me to be a better woman, and I’m incredibly proud of the progress I am making. I’m tackling projects that I had put off, not feeling mentally up to the task until now, and much of that is due to His influence. I spoke negatively of myself the other night and His immediate response was to make me recognize my positive attributes. He doesn’t allow me to think negatively about myself, and devotes Himself to reminding me that I am special.

I’ve always felt “wanted” by Him, even from our first date. That has grown over time. Now I would say he makes me feel “treasured”. I am far beyond His girlfriend, and for us, the commitment is deeper than how we both treated our prior marriages. I belong to Him in a way that no one else has ever owned me. He expresses His feelings to me, reminds me that He is thankful for the ways I serve Him, and gives me so much love in return, that saying I feel “treasured” is the closest way I can adequately describe my feelings. He is thoughtful, loving, guides me and cares for me in ways I really didn’t expect my Dominant to do so.

Belonging to Him has truly been a life altering experience. Having His love and guidance has given me strength and confidence. He has taught me that I am more than just His, but being His is the most important thing I can be. I feel stronger and more capable of handling all the challenges our life throws out at us because I have His strength to draw on. He truly takes His commitment to me to heart, and that love has influenced every part of my life in a beautiful, positive way.

The healing side of my submission

Something remarkable happened the other night. I had the opportunity to have an honest, comfortable discussion with an ex regarding our prior relationship.

During the course of the conversation I was able to express to him some things that perhaps were left unclear when we first broke up. How his actions made me feel insecure, as if he was always looking for something else. How hurt I was by his cheating. How I felt he was dishonest with me about his feelings towards the lifestyle, and that in the end he did judge me personally for my views and feelings towards the lifestyle.

Clearing the air was cathartic. I was able to say things that I had previously held back. I spoke openly about my views on our prior relationship and where we had both gone wrong.

In the process, I realized something incredibly important. My relationship with Him has helped to heal me.

I’m not saying I’m “cured”, but certainly our relationship and His care has given me strength and clarity where before there was none.

As anyone single within the lifestyle can tell you, dating can be tricky. You struggle to find someone capable of the depths that D/s requires, someone who see’s you as more than just the kink.

With Him, I’ve found that. He has taught me that I am valued, far beyond our lifestyle. He gives me the support and encouragement to conquer situations that have otherwise intimidated me. I’m learning to communicate better, to express myself clearly. To give room for each other to grow. He is my safe place, someone I can give my honest self to without fear of judgement or repercussion.

In having the conversation this week with my ex, I was able to stand up for myself in ways that I never had before. I recognized that in prior relationships, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that undermined my self confidence and devalued my lifestyle experience.

Belonging to Him has given me the opportunity to learn more about myself, the gift of my submission, and the value of giving my honest, true self to my relationship.

I was initially attracted to the lifestyle by the open, accepting community. Never could I have imagined the way my relationship with Him would grow and develop into the happiest, most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. Belonging to Him, being loved and cared for in such a profound way, has changed me. I’m able to draw on my training and lessons from Him and use them to grow in my daily life. When having the conversation with my ex, I gave thought first to whether the conversation would benefit our relationship or myself first. I then thought of what He would want me to say, to focus on being healthy and happy, and to let go of past hurts that may be holding me back in my submission to Him.

His care and training has shaped me into a more thoughtful, focused woman. I’m prioritizing my life better, giving my energy where He guides me. I’m capable of having hard discussions, giving grace, asking for forgiveness, expressing myself, and at some point I hope to be a more patient woman. He makes sure that I feel wanted, appreciated, heard and cared for. He leads our relationship, and our family, with a generous heart. He truly embodies what a loving Dominant should be.

Never would I have anticipated kinky sex would open the door to being loved and nurtured in the most profound way.

+.

I hate to admit when I’m wrong . . .

I can be stubborn to a fault. I can admit that. I don’t like to admit when I’m wrong, however.

Today, I’m having to accept I may have been wrong for the entire last year. It sucks.

My therapist encouraged me to reach out to Him, to explain my feelings and concerns, and to ask to speak openly.

His recommendation was made obviously to encourage healthy communication in my relationship and to repair any damage that has been done lately.

In therapy, we discussed how I feel that He and I do not talk things out. We step over them and move on. The problem with that method is that it doesn’t bring us closer together. I leaves so much unsaid, and so much to deteriorate our bond.

There should be no walls. No division. No secrets. No lies. We should be one team working towards the same goals. No ego.

One of the things that first attracted me to Him was His ability to be so open with me about His recovery and failures. I found Him so refreshing and was able to put so much faith in Him immediately. I thought this was a man who was going to be capable of facing lifes challenges side by side as a team. I loved that He was able to admit His past mistakes, and expressed how He was working to move ahead.

I saw a man who was never going to be perfect, but who would be honest with me about his flaws, failures and setbacks.

It’s hard now to look back and realize I might have been wrong. I can’t remember the last time we had a productive conversation and focused on healing and growing.

I don’t want to be wrong about Him. I want to get back to where we were. Where He was learning who He was sober, growing and changing. Where I was able to love Him freely, without feeling the need to hold back or withdraw my submission.

Because yes, at this point, I am considering withdrawing my submission fully.

All I can do now is hope. Hope that He will put ego aside. Hope that the man who wanted to grow and change beyond his prior narcissistic selfish ways will come back to the surface. Without that, I can’t see myself staying in the relationship.

I’m capable of so much, and with Him I have learned more about myself and my submission that I ever knew before. I feel stronger, more deserving of love and respect, and less willing to settle.

My fairy tale isn’t a castle with white horses and a prince who always rescues me. My fairy tale is Him, with me, raising our children, working towards our goals, being happy and healthy together.

Losing it

I feel as if our relationship is unraveling.

Tonight we had another argument. To be fair, I saw it coming. We are both drained from all of the stress and chaos in our lives. No matter what we do to get ahead, another obstacle rears it’s head. I knew He was angry today, feeling frustrated with situations beyond His control. I should have insisted we tackle this latest chore next week when He would be in a better mind space and we would have more time.

When we spoke on the phone I could tell it wasn’t going to go well.

I’ve let my frustration change my submission. In a moment of anger the other night I told Him I feel as if I am only His secretary. I don’t feel wanted, special or loved the way I used to by Him. I know this is because I am focusing so much on the things in His life that need to be managed and feel I am not receiving what I need from Him in return. The problem is that I have reached a point where this emptiness is eating me up and having a negative effect on my submission.

Tonight, I raised my voice to Him. I was frustrated, tired and felt there was no way I could please Him and lost my patience. I raised my voice and spoke to Him disrespectfully. Even worse, when we hung up the phone, I was angry. I allowed myself to be angry with Him enough to consider not resolving the argument and moving on.

This is how I know we are heading for disaster if I don’t correct the problems.

I’ve focused so much on giving Him the love, respect and effort He deserves, that I’ve lost myself in this process. I’ve forgotten that my submission is a gift, and a choice. I give this to Him and trust Him to respect and honor me in return.

In all of this chaos and stress, I realize that He isn’t in the position to lead us the way that I expect.

If our relationship is going to survive this period, I am going to have to shoulder the responsibility. I am going to have to dig even deeper than I have before, to find the strength to carry our relationship through the difficulty.

How do I continue to submit when my “tank” is so empty?

In a vanilla relationship this would be the point I would say to let go. When one person is giving so much and the other isn’t, the relationship is bound to fail.

In a D/s dynamic, especially one which is so service oriented, I can say that this is where I focus on how much I love Him and want a future with Him. This is where I focus on my training. On respect, obedience, and most of all, faith. This is where I keep pushing forward, focusing on the future we are building as partners for ourselves and for our children. A year from now, when we have His children and mine, and we are together, it will all be worth it.

Respecting My Personal Boundaries

I was in trouble the other day, and He gave me several tasks as punishment. One of which was writing an essay on Respect and Boundaries.

I wrote it. Tonight I re-read it. Deleted it.

Sometimes it can be therapeutic to look over what you’ve written and find a new perspective.

The last few weeks have been absolute heartbreaking chaos and stress. I’ve honestly never felt so stretched thin before in my life. I feel like a failure as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and especially as His. I’m struggling to find a foothold every morning. To stay focused on the positive. I’m admittedly depressed and fighting hard to get through it. I finally gave in and consented to taking prescription antidepressants, as much as that makes me feel even more of a failure.

While I realize I am at the breaking point, I have failed to take the steps I needed to protect and heal myself.

I strive to serve Him with no boundaries. However, I’m learning that there are going to be times I need to respect myself enough to recognize my limits. I failed to do so recently and it’s led me to a breaking point.

Remember when I said that a D/s relationship (or really, any relationship) is like an account? You cant keep making withdrawls if you aren’t making deposits, eventually the account runs in the negative.

My account is officially empty.

I get that as a submissive I don’t get to pick and choose when I serve. I belong to Him. I made the choice to belong to Him. In doing so, I gave Him the power to decide where our relationship is going. I follow His lead. It is up to Him to determine when I am deserving and really, what I am deserving of.

While I’ve been enjoying His new openness and honesty, I’m also finding myself completely disregarding my own needs. The need to be His, to submit physically, to be touched and held. To be able to be close to Him. The need to feel special to Him, to feel connected to Him above anyone else.

I’ve asked. I’ve hinted. Each time is met with a, “No.”

Tonight I learned, I can only take so much.

So while I did my duty and arranged for Him to have physical release, I sat here and worried when I didn’t hear from Him as normal. In my worry, I realized I had reached my limit.

Here is my wall. I need to respect it.

My love is unconditional. I am capable of great things for Him, for our children, for our families and friends. I ask for next to nothing from anyone. I am the one to take care of everyone else, always. I am always making deposits in everyone elses’ accounts. His. My daughters. His children, if at all possible. My family. Friends. I learned the hard way to be fearless in expressing my love to others, but that does come with a price. I wear myself out taking care of everyone else. Learning to recognize my limit and respect that has been a challenge.

Tonight while I worried, it wasn’t about Him being intimate with someone else. I know what that is. I understand He needs physical release. I don’t resent Him for it or deny Him.

I realized tonight that I worried because if something happened to Him, I would never know. I would never be able to be there for Him. I would never be the one someone would call. It was unnerving, depressing, and eye opening.

I’m still the other woman. I can’t go visit Him because of it. Instead, I’m here, feeling like a basic secretary while He is intimate with someone else. I sit here sending emails on His behalf, following up on things for us and our future, and inside I feel numb.

When is it ok as a submissive to say you can’t continue pushing boundaries while your account is so empty? When is it ok to say you need your Dominant to understand you and respect you just as you respect Him? That you need Him to own you in a way that makes you feel unique, connected, and intimate, and you aren’t getting it?

I recognize that by expressing myself to Him, it likely won’t be received well. But to continue while feeling this way is only going to lead to disaster for us.

So here is where I recognize that I need to respect myself. I should stop feeling ashamed of my feelings, and learn to express myself openly regardless of whether He will respect me or not. Here is where I recognize that to continue our relationship the way we have envisioned, there will be time we need to take a step back and repair ourselves and our relationship before we can continue.

Being a Dominant takes more commitment and care than I believe an average relationship does. It won’t always be easy. There will always be challenges. But I belong to Him, and trust that He will work with me. My commitment to Him is truly unconditional, and there is nothing I won’t do to make our relationship stronger.

Burnout is a Bitch

Interesting how there are so many terms for identifying your mood or current mental health within the lifestyle. Even more interesting is how open lifestyle people are with discussing their mental well being, while in the vanilla world so much is still swept under the rug.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I’ve been so drawn to the lifestyle. Not only am I able to live openly without shame and explore my kinks, but I’m able to speak about my mental status and share openly without fear. It’s amazing to be involved in such a supportive and open minded community.

Tonight, the discussion group online centered around service burnout. Feeling overwhelmed? Finding yourself not as enthhusiastic about your service? Procrastinating? Avoiding? Going through the motions but lacking the feeling behind it all?

You, my friend, could be suffering from burnout.

Simply put, it is normal and totally acceptable for a submissive to experience burnout. During especially trying times, burnout is to be expected.

The trick to burnout is identifying and managing it.

For me, I realize that I will begin to neglect myself when I am reaching burnout. I am capable of staying focused on Him and fulfilling His needs, but will begin to totally neglect myself or my own personal chores. I may still serve Him, but I am avoiding the giant mountain of laundry in the garage, the car that needs to be washed and serviced, the broken sprinklers in the backyard, and so many other tasks that are completely unrelated to Him.

Burnout also opens the door to negative thoughts. I get frustrated easily when normally I wouldn’t. I may speak back to Him more than I should, or in a tone that isn’t allowed. I certainly push the boundaries when I am in burnout. I doubt His sincerity, or intentions. I will find reasons for doubt and build insecurity from offhand comments He makes. Burnout, for me, means I will go through the motions but my heart just isn’t in it.

The question then becomes, “How do I fix this?”

For most submissives, they would bring this to their Dominant and ask for His guidance and care in getting back on track. How they choose to do so can vary. Some in the discussion group tonight said their Dominants will typically restructure their duties, and gradually retrain them. One submissive shared that she “works for emotional paychecks” and when she is suffering from burnout, it is because her Dominant has not tended to her emotional well being. She’s learned to speak to her Dominant, and when this happens, they work on finding time to be more connected.

So how do you manage burnout long distance with someone who is admittedly not an affectionate or warm person? How do you manage burnout with a Dominant who is burned out Himself? How does someone who “works for emotional paychecks” manage a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?

For one, I’ve learned that it can help to openly discuss and share with other submissives. I don’t want advice, or direction, I want camaraderie. I don’t expect them to have the answers. I just need to know I am not alone.

The next step is to eat better. I struggle on my best of days with eating right, which is one of His directives. When I am in burnout, a balanced meal is the absolute last thing on my mind. Forcing myself to make a healthy meal surprisingly does help.

Mix in a little sunshine, fresh air and exercise and typically I will see my mood lift a little. I’m not a gym rat, and actually feel very uncomfortable at the gym. Going for a run has always been my mental health go-to, but single parenting can often get in the way of the ability to get out and run. Pushing myself to find the opportunity, not matter what is going on in my daily life, is vital to kicking the burnout.

The hardest part of conquering burnout is the lack of physical connection. It’s no secret that a D/s relationship often requires more care and effort than a vanilla relationship, and I think that is even more true when it comes to relieving burnout. Not being able to physically touch Him and be intimate with Him has been my biggest roadblock to overcoming burnout. Simply put, I can’t kick it. My only need in this is to serve Him and to be with Him. Ours isn’t an overly affectionate relationship. We are both private and protective of our relationship. While I appreciate all of His assurances and affirmations, nothing can ever replace being in His presence.

For me, learning to manage burnout is going to involve accepting that I cannot overcome it. I must learn to just work with it. I don’t get to be with Him or visit, and acceptance of this fact is vital to moving forward.

So for now, managing the burnout means making sleep a priority. Managing my time appropriately so that I not only care for Him adequately, but make time for myself as well. Finding the chance to run whenever possible. Fueling my body with healthier options and skipping the processed sugars. Journaling. Focusing on the positive. Reminding myself that in spite of the burnout, I am still His, I am still happy, and I am still moving forward.