I’ve spent the better part of a week working diligently on contracts, only to realize it was a giant waste of time.

My original thought was to split my contracts into three phases.

The first phase was to be trust building and communication. Working on talking our issues out, sharing our past roadblocks and insecurities, and moving past them. Pretty much where we are now, with a few positive tweaks.

The second phase was to be training. Learning to submit to Him again while offering Him the opportunity to step into His role slowly. Focusing again on trust, reliability, safety, communication and being totally open.

The last was complete submission. Giving myself to Him in a way that I never did before. Offering Him the opportunity to be His true self comfortably, knowing He is loved completely and will always be safe with me.

Keeping this in mind, I worked up three comprehensive contracts to help guide us through the process.

And then, I realized I didn’t want these separate phases. I don’t want to have the gray area, where we do and don’t belong to each other, we are training but not fully committed, etc.

A very smart man is always saying, “If it’s not worth doing 100%, then why do it?”

So after much soul searching, I decided I want to submit to Him fully, always. No gray area. No easy outs. I’m going to fully admit that He owns me completely, and stop being afraid.

I realize that I’ve been intimidated by Him for quite some time, which wasn’t His fault. I’ve brought damage from my past into our relationship and let it have a negative impact on us.

I talked my decision over carefully in therapy. While very supportive, my therapist did say he felt I needed to be more assertive in speaking with Him openly about tough subjects. That part of submitting to Him, is giving Him the truth even if I feel He may take it negatively.

I completely agree. I owe Him the truth, and it is up to Him to handle it however He chooses. I trust Him.

When I brought this up with Him tonight, things took an unexpected turn.

His situation is admittedly incredibly stressful. I get the impression that years of strain and miscommunication are culminating in an extremely unhealthy situation for Him at the moment.

While I know He is strong enough to navigate this alone, and for the most part He needs to do so, this is where I can better serve Him.

Rather than wrap up in the negative, I can be positive and supporting. I can show Him the love He deserves by being His helpmate and not his enemy. I will do everything I can to be His safe space in this, at any cost.

When He is stressed, He shuts down and shuts me out. Rather than react, or take it personally, I’m learning to give Him space. Not to be affected. I can be patient and give Him grace because I have faith that things will work out for us in the long run.

I recognized tonight that I have not felt needed by Him in a meaningful way, and this has been difficult for me. Finding deeper ways to serve Him has always been a challenge.

He once told me he’s a “fixer”, and I’ve seen that in everything He does for me. I’m very much the same. Tonight, I found that I can serve Him in a more meaningful way not by fixing things for Him, but by finding Him information. Knowing He is feeling overwhelmed was a call to action for me. It may take more than a few days, but I can feel confident that I am at the least providing Him with information to help Him choose his new path.

He made a decision this week that could have negative consequences long term, but in doing so, He showed me that He is still committed to being His true self. I know in my heart that there are details of His situation that I don’t fully understand, but I know that I do not judge Him for them. He’s driven, focused, and determined. While I was worried that I would lose the man I love to His old self, I can see now that I was very wrong. He is never going back to that person. He is so much more HIMSELF than He has ever been.

So while life handed Him a giant truckload of rotten lemons this week, oddly enough, for me it was perfect timing. His actions showed me that I am right to put my trust in Him, and to give myself to Him fully.

So no more training. No more holding back. No more being hurt or angry or withholding. No more “We aren’t together”. He’s mine. I’m His. I’ve never been one to believe in fairy tales, and I’m not about to start now. I don’t know where the road is taking us. I’m content to give Him whatever He needs in order to navigate this current situation.

Because while his favorite saying is “If it’s not worth doing 100%, why do it?”, mine is “You can’t help loving who you love.”

I took a week off from journaling. A week off from networking. From mentors. From worrying. From stress. From negativity.

Instead, I focused on being His friend. His confidant. His greatest supporter.

I shifted my focus from the D/s side of our relationship, and enjoyed being His friend again. I focused on being positive and pushing the negative thoughts aside. I gave Him the space and love He deserves in this time.

What brought on this change?

I had a health scare. I was faced with making the potential decision to remove all my reproductive organs. While I know He is done having children, I’m not quite ready to close the door on my child bearing years. Emotionally, I was devastated. Logically, I knew that if the test results came back as cancerous I would choose the most aggressive surgical option possible.

I spent the last few weeks feeling completely lost and out of control, both in my relationship with Him and with my own body.

Thankfully, my test results came back with a more positive than expected outcome. While I will have challenges, I won’t need to remove my reproductive organs. However, the scare helped to shift my focus from all the negative to the positive. No matter what, I realize that I want Him in my life, whatever it takes.

I’ve spent hours each night reading and researching, trying desperately to find the magic answers that would help to heal our divide. I’ve thought over our past, dissected where I felt I went wrong, and what I could do better.

The truth is there is no simple answer.

The reality is, in order to make our life together healthy and happy, we will have to develop a plan of our own. There is never going to be another relationship that will be the perfect model for our own. We have to find our own balance, our own rhythm, our own answers to where we went wrong, and our own plan for where we want to go from here.

In order to heal and move forward, we have to do this together. I can’t turn to others for guidance or input when He is all I need and want. If we are to commit to a new incarnation of our relationship, we have to do this as a team. No outside influence is going to be able to heal us. If we move forward, we do so because we chose each other again.

In order to move forward, I have to submit to Him in ways I haven’t yet. I have to give Him the space to handle His own challenges, the love and support He deserves, and the trust that He will guide us through this together.

So this week, I’ve focused on being the woman He needs. Being kind, supportive, positive and loving. I’ve focused on listening to Him, and to following His directives. Even if they are long overdue, I am taking His instructions to heart and making His wishes my priorty.

There is no road map for what we are doing. All I know, is that I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to belong to Him fully. Rather than look elsewhere for the answers, I’m choosing to focus on Him and fulfill His needs in any way that I can. In time, I know He will put that same effort into me and our relationship. I cannot expect from Him what I am not willing to give first of myself. I belong to Him. I have faith that we will work this out. Whatever it takes.

In reading about Aftercare, I realize that it really does just come down to making sure that both submissive and Dominant nurture the bond between them outside of a scene.

This can be done in many different ways. The most common seems to be cuddling, physically expressing your affection to your partner after a scene. I’m over simplifying the situation for the sake of this journal, but hopefully you understand the point. After pushing the limits in a scene, it is vital to remind BOTH parties of the love held for each other. You can’t have a healthy submissive without this effort on the Dominants side, and vice versa. A Dominant needs to know his submissive is pleased with him, just as much as the submissive needs to know her Dominant is pleased with her.

As I’ve said before, looking forward to building a new relationship with Him includes looking to adapt rules and protocols. One vital protocal for us, in my opinion, is in regards to Aftercare.

Historically, I am comforted immediately by His touch. The best physical aftercare, for me, is when He pulls me close to Him and speaks to me softly while touching me. Having both His touch and His voice soothes me quickly.

The difficulty for us comes two days after a scene, when I experience an intense drop. When the drop comes on, I am unable to identify it. Typically it is a depressive, lost feeling. I feel disconnected from Him, and will usually pick a fight in order to find that connection once again.

For me, I would want to enact a protocol that incorporates the two day drop as well as the immediate comfort after a scene.

To begin with, taking the time to “come down” from a scene together is important. This gives both of us the chance to breathe again, cool off, and to begin slowly moving around and assessing if anything is hurt or bruised.

Taking the time to cuddle together after a scene is important. In spite of the post sex sweat and mess, laying close and stimulating the production of Oxytocin after a scene can be vital. Oxytocin helps to enforce bonds, build trust and make both Dominant and submissive feel safe. Cutting the cuddle period post-scene short can be detrimental when trying to prevent sub drop.

After a significant portion of time is spent cuddling, showering becomes a neccessity. I don’t know about you, but after a scene we are typically a mess. Sweaty, makeup running, hair a mess, fluids EVERYWHERE . . . . showering is necessary. Making sure to shower together is key, however. Continue cuddling. Bathe each other. Kiss. Continue to comfort and connect with each other.

One act that we need to adopt is a post-scene snack. Most essays recommend chocolate, which works with Him. For me, we may have to experiment with herbal teas and perhaps a sugary fruit. Nourishing each other after a scene can be one more way to replenish that bond while also caring for our bodies.

The key to aftercare, it seems, is to do everything together. The submissive needs her Dominant and vice versa.

For us, combating the two day drop is going to take being creative. Some suggestions from Dominants have included writing Him a letter, reflecting on our scene and how I benefited from it. Another suggested He should be sure to start that second day with a phone call specifically reminding me of my place, His feelings, etc. Both should make an effort to stay connected throughout that second day, and if negative behavior rears its head, address it with positivity. Never give in and fight. Some Dominants suggest this is where romance comes into play with their submissive . . . combating a two day drop with flowers, trinkets, extra pampering at home, etc.

Whatever we choose, it will take some experimenting. I’ve come to realize this two day drop is when the most damage was done to our connection, and to His confidence as my Dominant.

So often lately I write about what I’m learning from my mistakes. Today, I’m going to focus on one of the things that He did for me that was so healthy and giving.

In researching aftercare, I came across an explanation of “Check In’s” and how vital they are both during and after a scene. Check in’s are exactly what they sound like. It is the practice of stopping a scene and making sure the submissive is prepared to continue. Many Dominants will ask their submissive to describe how they are feeling in that moment, remind them of their safe words, comfort and reassure them, have them take a break to stretch or drink some water, whatever they need to be prepared in order to move forward with the scene.

As my Dominant, He would always check in with me during a scene. If He felt that I was nearing my threshold, He would stop and remind me of my safe words. He would ask me how I was feeling, if I was able to continue. So often when I was overwhelmed, I just needed Him to kiss me and let me calm down for a moment before He continued. He would give me the moment to gather myself before I consented to moving forward.

In all our time together, and all the scenes, it never once occurred to me that this was a deliberate action taken on His part. These check in’s were tangible proof of His care for me. I trusted Him and submitted to Him completely, and He took His responsibility to me to heart.

In my submission, I was able to take for granted that He would be alert for even the smallest signals from me. I was so completely safe in His hands, that I never even noticed some of the deliberate measures He would take to ensure I felt safe and loved in spite of the limits we pushed in our scenes together.

So while I was laying here tonight reading so many insightful essays on aftercare, it occurred to me how lucky I was to have a man who made it His priority to care for me in such a subtle and meaningful way such as He did. Sometimes you need a reminder of the beauty in a relationship in order to truly appreciate the person you love.

While exploring the topic of punishment, I came across something that I think applies to the current situation with Him.

As a Dominant, there must be balance between punishment and reward/affirmation. A Dominant’s job is to protect His submissive. This can be interpreted many ways . . . protecting her from others, protecting her from negative behavior, protecting her from her own self, and sometimes even protecting her from Himself. While many Dominants focus on the punishment aspect of D/s, I’m learning that most successful Dominants place just as much emphasis on reward/affirmation.

Every submissive is different, so I can only speak from my own perspective. Conflict with Him of any kind leaves me physically ill and absolutely devastated. I live for the moments when He praises me, pays me a compliment, etc. I suppose it could be said that I work for emotional paychecks. In this, I can recognize the imbalance in our relationship. I began acting out because my needs were not being met. One of those needs is affirmation. I crave His approval. I live to make Him proud of me. I’ve never felt like I was “enough” for Him. Having positive reinforcement is one of the greatest motivators for me and only helps to deepen my connection with Him which enables me to submit more.

Keeping this in mind, I’ve been exploring the topic of punishment lately. Curious to learn what techniques Dominants have used to help shape their submissives, and what works.

For instance, there is a term I’ve learned called “Funishment”. When you take enjoyment from what would otherwise be considered a punishment. I’ve heard this term applied over and over again in particular towards spankings. For me, the physical punishments aren’t going to be effective as discipline. I enjoy testing the limits with Him, and typically painful spankings lead to Him making love to me. In the past, I had an aversion to ball gags and refused to use them. He enacted a gag as punishment and unfortunately, knowing that He enjoyed this new toy only served to make me enjoy it as well. After buying a second ball gag, I was hooked. Orgasm deprivation doesn’t usually work for me either, as I won’t typically masturbate and when we make love, He’s never one to deprive me. The worst punishment has been withdrawing from me, and not allowing me to see Him. The problem with this technique is that it only helps to deteriorate the bond between us. I’ve learned many Dominants do not recommend this punishment technique, especially if used too often, as it will only create more problems than it solves.

As a more service oriented submissive, this leaves me with looking for punishment techniques that will enforce the bond between us, rather than create a divide.

One Dominant suggested that He should be using more positive reinforcement rather than concerning Himself with discipline. Rather than pointing out everything that is wrong, and punishing constantly, this Dominants opinion is that you teach your submissive to direct her energy to pleasing you by praising what she is doing right. This Dominant said he often has to think long term when using such methods, but in doing so, he finds his submissives are more eager to please and incredibly sensitive to his displeasure to the point where discipline is unheard of in his relationships. In his experience, praising his submissive for her service leads her to independently seek out further ways to serve and please him. He can direct her attention to areas he feels she is lacking simply by praising her a few times in those areas, but in small ways. In his experience, it will only be a short time before her full attention is focused on improving her service to him where he was previously lacking.

Another Dominant shared with me that it is his opinion that if a submissive is disobedient, there is an underlying problem that the Dominant must try to understand. When his submissive acts out, he will assign her to write him a letter explaining where her behavior came from. This is key to helping him better understand what the real issue is and to address that, rather than struggle with the irrational behavior. This also gives his submissive the opportunity to communicate openly with him without fear of reprisal. This could be key with Him, as I tend to be intimidated at even the thought of disappointing Him, and struggle with communicating comfortably.

I spoke to another Dominant this evening who had a very creative approach. He is a coach and a fitness fanatic. His submissive is . . . not. One of his rules is that his submissive must adopt a healthier lifestyle than she had prior to his influence. When his submissive disappoints him, he will dish out punishment in the form of a brutal workout. In this way, he feels he is enacting a punishment as his submissive loathes physical exercise, while still looking out for her well being.

Whatever the form of punishment enacted, the key seems to be balancing the punishment with positive reinforcement as well. Once the punishment has been served, most Dominants agree that you must move on from whatever the issue was. The Dominant cannot hold the previous infraction over his submissives head, unless of course the submissive decides to repeat her mistake. Most Dominants have shared with me that they often find punishment or correcting behavior as a time to reflect on their role in the issue as well, and to take measures to ensure they are meeting their submissives needs in order to prevent a reoccurence.

Today I had an interesting exchange with Him that brought to light a different aspect of my prior failure.

I asked Him what about D/s appealed to Him. His response was that he had never felt loved like that from a woman before.

Talk about an eye opener.

How could a man so obviously deserving of love, never FEEL loved? This is a man who has been married and had many long term relationships. How is it possible that no one has loved Him properly before?

After further discussion, He shared with me that He had felt like a trophy in prior relationships. He often felt used. But loved? Certainly not.

While He admitted to me that He felt love from me when I was serving Him, there were other times where my actions made Him feel the opposite. Certainly there were times I made Him feel like a trophy, and when I would act out it would leave Him feeling that I was selfish and unloving.

I’ve been considering his words all day now. How could I have done more to make Him feel the love I have for Him?

I knew I wanted Him in my life after our first date. He walked through the restaurant door with a devilish smirk on His face, and I was hooked. He’s tall, tattooed and fit. Blonde, with this devilish smirk that lights up his eyes and makes me weak.

We had connected on a dating app, and meeting Him in person was nothing like I expected. His pictures online were oddly nothing like what I felt He looked like in person. Add to that He has this deep, incredibly sexy voice, and I was hooked.

I instantly felt comfortable with Him. There was an immediate attraction between us. However, what made me want Him beyond in my bed was when He spoke of His children. Prior to our date, we didn’t talk about children at all. I had no idea He was a father. At lunch, when He spoke about His children, you could see the love He felt for them.

His shoulders relaxed. He stopped playing with His watch. His eyes crinkled at the corners when He smiled while talking about His “heathens.” I was attracted to Him before that moment, but I fell in love with Him the second He spoke about His children.

It may sound incredibly cheesy, but there are a thousand small moments that kept me falling in love with Him after that.

The first time we made love, when He opened up to me afterward about His challenges. When He would be frustrated with me for not making time for Him. When I opened up to Him about my prior D/s experiences and He didn’t judge me, but made me feel safe enough to explore it with Him. When He watched out for my daughter as if she already belonged to Him. When He didn’t criticize me for spoiling my daughter, telling me “Relax, let her enjoy being a kid while she can.” And other times, when He would push me to stop being a helicopter Mom and to give my daughter more independence. Christmas, when He gave my daughter a thoughtful gift that made her feel loved by Him. When He would hold me after making love, pulling me close and holding me for hours on end. When we had a night of miscommunication, and He called asking me to stay. There was something in His voice that night on the phone that made me turn the car around immediately. When my daughter asked Him to be her date to the family dance at school, telling me she knew He would go for her when her own Dad wouldn’t. In spite of how difficult it was for Him, He made a monumental effort to be there for her. He watched over her carefully, and she loved knowing He was there for her.

I can name a million moments, a million reasons for why I fell in love with Him. While D/s became a large part of our life together, I didn’t love Him because of it. Being able to submit to Him in the ways that I did was because of all the ways He made me love Him. I was capable of giving Him the submission He deserved because He was the man capable of giving me the family life I had always wanted to share with a partner.

So in thinking on how startling it is to me that He had never felt truly loved, this is why I am so surprised. He gave me the chance to have the family life I have always wanted, and in turn I gave him my whole heart in submission. If only we had both appreciated this gift fully at the time, perhaps we would be in a better place together.

In spite of it all, I can say this. I’ve learned over the last few years to never take love for granted. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity to have Him in my life, both before and now. Loving Him means building something new for us that will be stronger than anything He thought possible. Knowing how He has felt so unloved in prior relationships makes me all the more determined to show Him in every way possible just how much He means to me.

Ritual. (noun) A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

Rituals can enhance the bond between submissive and Dominant by helping to communicate expectation and intent. Rituals can be different for every relationship, and are always subjective.

In learning from my failure with Him, I’ve taken a hard look at implementing rituals. I’ve found quite a few examples of rituals that appeal to me, including some that can be used to stave off the two-day sub drop I’ve struggled so much with.

One Dominant told me that he implemented a ritual every morning with his submissive that helped to make sure his submissive started each day knowing she was treasured. Yes, he used that specific word. Treasured.

His ritual? Each morning he begins with asking her, “Who owns you?” Her reply, “You do, Sir.” He then asks, “Why are you here?” Her reply, “To serve you, Sir.” He will then ask, “How will you serve me today?” Her reply is then, “In any way you require of me, Sir. Mind, body and soul.” He will then say, “Thank you for your service, little. I treasure this gift you give me and will love you always.”

It’s easy to see how taking two minutes of your day, face to face, speaking these words, can help to center you and start your day off in the right frame of mind.

Part of my connection issue with Him is a lack of communication. He will admit to being a man of few words. As a submissive, I crave not only the actions but the words that come with them. What woman doesn’t want to hear her man say he cares for her, she’s beautiful, she’s wanted and loved? Being a submissive doesn’t mean you crave those words any less than in the vanilla word.

Rituals can help to reaffirm your connection with your Dominant. Starting your day off with a ritual that leaves you knowing your Dominant is proud of you and is happy with your service does wonders for any submissive. Most submissives need to know their Dominant is proud of them and feels loved by their efforts.

I’ve learned that many Dominants require a ritual of preparation from their submissive before a scene. This helps for both the Dominant and submissive to prepare mentally for the scene, while also giving the submissive the opportunity to prepare physically for her Dominant.

Rituals can be used to strengthen connections in long distance situations as well. From something so simple as having a weekly scheduled FaceTime “date”, to a daily assignment to follow, rituals can help to keep a submissive focused on her Dominant even while apart.

Rituals can also be enacted in order to correct behavior or explore new ideas. Many Dominants will implement rituals designed to correct bad habits, from something as simple as nail biting to complex such as negative thinking. Rituals can also be enacted to help strengthen the bond before adding new aspects to the dynamic. Some Dominants have even shared with me that they create new rituals to boost their submissive’s confidence before bringing a new submissive into the fold.

In creating a new, stronger relationship, I’m looking forward to enacting rituals. Beginning and ending each day with a ritual affirming my connection with Him and place in His life would do wonders for the negative thinking I would fall into previously. Preparing for the subdrop that troubled me by creating a ritual centered on service to Him and affirming our connection could be the key to removing that roadblock from our lives.

Creating service oriented rituals to enrich His daily life is by far the most appealing to me. Being able to start the day by caring for Him properly, giving Him the love and attention He deserves before beginning His day outside of the house, would be a dream come true. Adopting a ritual for His end of day, working rituals into even the “vanilla” aspects of home life, would help to bring our D/s dynamic out of the bedroom.

Nothing would make me happier than to develop a series of small rituals used throughout the day to communicate to Him how loved He truly is.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in losing my relationship with Him, was to take my time. Rushing into our dynamic head on the way we did was a heady experience. Caught up in the newness of having a partner on the same page as I was, I let myself skip so many of the vital steps.

The worst? What some call the “Training Phase.” That initial phase of bonding after a submissive has first been collared. Deliberate steps meant to help deepen the bond between submissive and Dominant, and to encourage healthy communication.

Every experienced Dominant approaches this phase differently. While some have told me they begin this stage in the relationship with exercises meant to teach the submissive to look to her Dominant in all things, others have said they attempt to learn more about their submissive through structured, scheduled discussions. Whatever the approach, the goal for the Training Phase is to learn who you are as a team before you begin pushing your boundaries and exploring together.

In skipping this phase, we missed an opportunity to really get to know who we were as a couple before we began bringing others into our dynamic. Because we had His move looming so soon in our relationship, we both felt compelled to move faster than we should have.

I’ve learned that this training phase is vital. A Dominant can use this time to teach His submissive what His rules and expectations are. He can build her confidence, teach her the role she plays in His life. A submissive can explore her limits safely, without fear or disappointment or reprisal from her Dominant.

The key to the Training Phase is communication. The foundation you lay in this time will affect the rest of your relationship.

So now, as a submissive, I see the value in the Training Phase. In having a Dominant willing to invest time and energy into creating an unbreakable bond between us before moving on to other aspects of an open lifestyle.

The Training Phase is useful for developing rituals that will help ground the submissive before and after scenes. Having a Dominant capable of communicating intent, of making His submissive feel valued and wanted is vital for any submissive. Training together offers both Dominant and submissive the opportunity to learn who they are, who their partner is, and how strong they can be together.

At this point, I’m looking forward to doing this right. To taking my time and truly giving myself completely to Him. I no longer feel rushed, or have the same fear of disappointing Him. I know that I offer Him a love unlike any other He has experienced before, and can only show Him how much I value Him by taking all the time needed in order to create an unbreakable bond between us. There is no longer a clock ticking down my time with Him. I chose Him, and that means overcoming any challenge we face together. Moving back to a Training Phase will only help strengthen us.

Over and over again, when looking back on my realationship with Him, two key terms keep rearing their ugly heads. “Managing Expectations” and “Unspoken/Unrealized Expectations”.

Early in our relationship, when I first brought the concept of a D/s lifestyle to Him, we discussed my prior experiences. Having already learned that He was territorial (in the sexiest of ways), I likely glossed over the situation and gave Him the quickest run down of each experience. Instinct told me He would not want to hear too many details of my prior experiences with other men.

I understand now that in giving Him the briefest of descriptions of my past, it gave Him the impression that these situations all happened easily and went off without flaws.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

What most couples experienced in an open lifestyle know, is that everything takes work. You would imagine finding a sexy, open minded single woman to join you for a threesome would be easy, right? There’s a reason such women are called “Unicorns”. They rarely exist.

My first attempt at bringing a single woman into a threesome scenario was a creepy lesson in how small the world really is. I found our candidate on a lifestyle website, and our initial chats were fun and easy. We clicked on many levels, and soon I felt comfortable to bring my man into the conversations. Within minutes of establishing our group chat, the candidate had texted an image of a man who she had dated previously and thought my man may know.

Turns out, she was right. The candidate had previously dated one of my man’s best friends, and her obsession with her ex-boyfriend bordered on insane. Not only did the candidate want to text incessantly asking for information on her ex, she asked my man to take her shopping for clothes and to date her before she would consider joining us.

Apparently I wasn’t the best judge of character at that time.

The first threesome that I did actually pull off was when I was newly single after leaving my marriage. I was damaged at that point, and sex was a bandaid. I talked a friend into joining me to surprise a man I was dating.

While it sounds incredibly sexy to bring a gorgeous friend home to surprise my man, the truth of the matter was the experience was awkward. The poor man was nervous, and looking back I should have given him the chance to prepare. He proceeded to get drunk and could barely perform. My friend tried to encourage him by overperforming while fucking, which was annoying. So while we all managed to achieve the fabled threesome, it was far from porn perfect.

Another experience was throwing an orgy party for a boyfriend’s birthday. The idea, of course, is appealing to anyone who lives an open lifestyle. I hosted a carefully selected group of couples at a boutique winery/hotel for the celebration. We started with cocktails and dinner under a large oak tree in a private patio, and then brought the party back to my hotel suite.

The reality was not as sexy as the initial concept must sound. One woman was so drunk, and so hurt that my date wasn’t more interested in her than some of the other women that night, she proceeded to try and ruin the night for most of the group. There was a drunken cry fest on the balcony that culminated in her husband having to remove her from the party. Another man attempted to dominate me without my consent, which led to a tense and awkward confrontation and the man being escorted naked to the front door. I spent the majority of the night catering to everyone in order to try and keep the party going, that I never even really enjoyed what was unfolding around me. As sexy as the concept may sound, and truly the experience was memorable, it was still work to make it happen.

I can understand now where having heard the glossy versions of these stories, He would have high expectations for our potential experiences together. He had every right to expect MORE, because He means so much more to me than anyone I’ve been with prior. In His frustration, He would tell me the issue was needing to manage His expectations better.

Our first few attempts at swapping with other couples didn’t go well. We met and clicked, but making the move from the bar to the bedroom wasn’t easy for us. When we finally found our stride, it was with a much more experienced couple who made it easy for us. In truth, I love this couple and am thankful we met. To have them in our lives as friends is a gift I am very grateful for. Our first full swap experience together was a success because of this couple.

Other experiences with other couples didn’t quite measure up, and often afterwards He would express His frustration. Trying to assure Him, I would often refer to the experience as dating other couples. There is always going to be work involved. For many in the lifestyle, there is more to the act of fucking than just the physical gratification. You have to be prepared to invest time and effort into making the right experiences happen.

His birthday party was another example. Our lifestyle friends were excited to host a party for him, with a mix of vanilla and lifestyle guests. A few attempts at getting hte party started stalled out, and at one point He was ready to just call it a night. Thankfully, He consented to sticking around a while longer and the party finally moved to the bedroom where He wanted it.

Although I don’t yet know the specifics, I learned recently that our first trip to a local sex club was disappointing to Him as well. This frustrates me, as I felt the night went incredibly well. Although slow to start out, the night ended with a line of women waiting to ride Him while I watched. I wish He could see things through my eyes. The other men who watched Him with their women, who commented to me how much their women had wanted Him and watched Him all night. How incredible it was to watch Him with these other women, to see Him look at them for a moment but then turn to lock eyes with me constantly. Sitting in that room watching so many women take their turn, and knowing He belonged only to me, was truly a defining moment for me in our relationship. Somehow, though, His expectation of the experience was different than the reality. Again, it’s about managing expecations.

The other killer is the unspoken/unrealized expectations. This is mainly on my part, and typically when referring to communication.

From the outset, we agreed to allow our relationship to unfold on it’s own naturally. While I can’t speak for Him, I can say that I knew He was my ONE almost instantly. When He collared me, we agreed that we were choosing each other. I felt safe with Him and couldn’t wait to begin traveling this path with Him.

The problems came when we faced challenges. In reflection, I can see where taking a step back and having the safety to openly share concerns and fears with each other would have saved us. We had a habit of talking around things, but never being explicitly clear. For instance, we chose each other, but it was months before I could use the word “boyfriend” to describe Him . . . and this was only after He finally referred to Himself as such. I should have had the confidence to just ask for clarity when needed.

Instead, I let things eat at me. I let things go unsaid. When we faced monumental challenges, I danced around the subject rather than be straightforward.

At one point in January, He called me just to tell me that He had explained to His ex that they would absolutely be divorcing and there was no chance of reconciliation. This was an incredibly difficult time for Him to have this conversation with her, and I knew that He did so for my sake as well as His own. I appreciated His candor, and thanked Him. In truth, a ton of questions had popped into my head immediately. Rather than give voice to them, I chose to tamper the voices down and just trust He would explain everything to me when we were together again.

So here I am, waiting for a conversation to happen. And surprise, surprise . . . it didn’t happen. Because I never told Him I needed this conversation. He’s not a man of many words, nor does He often explain Himself. Having given me the update once, it wouldn’t have occurred to Him that I was waiting to have a more in depth conversation. How did this impact us as a couple? What was going to happen with the divorce process? What could I do to better support Him through this?

The same unspoken expectation of conversation happened again when his retirement and subsequent move became imminent. I needed to know where I stood in His life. His ambivalence on the subject was too much for me to carry. I hinted. I danced around the subject. I created opportunities for conversation. Nothing. Had I just been direct and told Him I needed a frank discussion before I could proceed, we would not be in this predicament. Instead, I became angry and acted out. I hurt Him because I myself was hurting. The adage “Two wrongs don’t make a right” has never been more true than in this circumstance.

This all brings me back to communication. All of our issues with managing expectations go back to lack of clear communication. We need to adopt a plan to connect and share with each other before an experience, and set time aside to download with each other afterward. I need to do the same when I need honest conversation from Him regarding tough subjects. In choosing Him, I knew there would be challenges ahead that may be insurmountable. It didn’t matter to me. I am no longer the woman I was, who needed a carefully laid out roadmap to my life. I’m capable of accepting that while my life may not unfold quite the way I had expected, with Him, it will better than anything I could have possibly dreamed of.

I don’t want to live a fairytale. I want to belong to Him, in my entirety, and build a life together that far exceeds anything I previously thought possible.