It’s been eight years since I began exploring my submissive side, and only since I’ve met Him have I really felt content with my level of submission and service.

I didn’t always know that I was submissive. I’ve always been confident and sexually adventurous, but never fully understood the capabilities until my 30’s.

When I began to explore submission, my rookie mind viewed submitting as only an act to be expressed behind closed doors. My submissive experience began with simple bondage and acts in the bedroom, that in reflection were not even really submissive at all. As I gathered experience and pushed my limits, I appreciated more and more the complex emotions and bond behind true submission.

Since becoming His, I have fully embraced service and submission in a way that I didn’t expect to ever experience. I enjoy caring for Him. Being able to provide Him with comfort and security is vital to me. Just as I am naturally drawn to His inherent masculinity and Dominant side, I think He is drawn to a feminine woman who appreciates traditional gender roles. I enjoy the small things, such as making sure His cup is never empty, or starting the shower for Him. Knowing that the things I do for Him make Him feel appreciated in a way He never experienced before motivates me to always find small ways to show Him that I am focused only on Him always.

There are many things He does which make me feel content in my service as well. When He calls me Sex Kitten in public, or reaches for my hand when we are walking. Kissing me in public. Sharing openly our dynamic. All of these things are small ways that invoke that submissive feeling for me. Nothing makes me more proud of my submission than when He openly expresses His pride in our dynamic.

Serving Him leaves me feeling fulfilled in a way I didn’t feel in my prior submissive experiences, and never fully expected with Him. I no longer have to turn my submission on and off. I can live fully open in our dynamic and be proud of my submission to Him always.

As a submissive, being in a 24/7 D/s relationship and collared was always a fantasy for me. I read about collared submissives and how secure they were in their relationship, and I wanted the same for myself. I wanted a true Dominant who would care for me and allow me the safety and freedom to fully explore my kink.

What no one ever fully explained to me was how much responsibility comes with wearing His collar.

Before being collared, I saw the act of wearing a Dominants collar in a selfish light. I imaged collaring as the act of commitment between Dominant and submissive, which to me was deeper than even marriage. I viewed choosing to give yourself 100% to your partner in a relationship defined only by the two of you as being the most intimate connection possible. I saw being collared as safety, security, knowing your Dominant was committed to only you. Being collared meant your Dominant would care for you always.

I never fully considered what a two way street being collared can be.

Wearing His collar means I must trust in Him always. Give Him the love and reassurance He deserves while also giving Him the freedom to be His true self. Be calm, forgiving and kind under any circumstance. Wearing His collar means so much more than just belonging to Him physically. When He shares with me His goals and dreams, I must find every way possible to support Him. When He tells me of things in the past that have hurt Him, or left Him feeling less than loved, I must find a way to mend that. I must encourage Him, even if in doing so it will require great sacrifice on my part.

What I never fully understood before is wearing His collar means I must focus every ounce of myself on truly being the woman He deserves.

My submission belongs to Him alone.

In prior relationships, my submission began in the bedroom during scenes only. My partners and I both took my submission lightly, and I didn’t fully explore the gift of submission.

It took meeting Him to fully grasp the weight of proper submission.

I happily submit to Him in all things, at all times. I belong to Him. I defer to His judgement in our relationship, parenting, family life, future plans, etc. All far beyond just submitting to Him beyond closed doors.

I’m proud of my submission to Him and choose not to hide it. While we are appropriate in public, and aware of how our dynamic might appear to others, I do not want to step outside of our roles to each other out of fear of judgement. Submitting to Him is not conditional, and I would never want Him to feel that I am ashamed or embarrassed to belong to Him in any way.

Even when in the company of other Dominants, I submit only to Him. This has bothered other Dominants, who felt I should submit at least in service to them out of respect, but my submission and trust must be earned. I don’t submit out of obligation or fear. I submit to Him out of love.

In the world of D/s, it seems important to know who you are. As a submissive, I have struggled to find a label to fully describe who I am in my relationship with Him.

Ultimately, I’ve learned, the best way to describe myself is, “His.”

Because our relationship isn’t the norm for both vanilla and D/s relationships, I would have a hard time accurately describing my role to Him. I am His submissive. His partner. His sex kitten. I have vanilla roles in our relationship, such as creating a home and family life for us together, which are just as important as the kink.

Were someone to ask me what our relationship is, I would simply answer “We belong to each other.” It sounds simple but for us, it is such an intimate level of commitment that most can’t understand. This explanation works for both vanilla and kink. So while He isn’t a fan of labels, and I get nervous trying to pin Him down to a label, the best way to label my submission is to simply say I am His.

One of the most intimate acts of submission is trusting Him with my physical safety. Giving Him the power to determine my pain threshold, and trusting Him to know when I have reached my limit. Understanding that when the paddles, whips, canes and other spanking implements come out, I will be challenged mentally and physically by Him and must make Him proud. The complete power exchange involved in pleasure/pain play is one of the strongest bonds between the Dominant and submissive.

Submitting to Him for physical pain, especially spankings, means preparing myself mentally. When being punished, I try to stay focused on the lesson He is giving me. Feeling the pain fully while mentally focusing on what I have done to deserve the punishment keeps me focused on learning from Him. When He is gifting me with pain because I am craving the connection with Him, I try to focus on the pain and pleasing Him with my ability to accept His gift. Overcoming the false edge is often a testament to the trust and love between us, and the level of submission I give to Him.

One of the questions I have asked myself is, “How does the pain benefit our relationship?”

While some would say that pleasure/pain is important to a D/s relationship because of the trust bond involved, I would have to say I think the endorphins it produces is what is most vital for us. For Him, because of His challenges, finding ways to make Him feel loved and connected can be a challenge. The endorphins produced during a pleasure/pain session create the mental connection that He craves between us.

For me, pleasure/pain sessions are the way that I feel the most connected with Him. Submitting to Him so deeply enables me to focus just on the scene, on His enjoyment, and on the physical sensations He gives to me. Knowing this submission is only given to Him, and never given to anyone else in this way, is as much a part of the mental aspect of the session as is the pain itself.

While to the outside vanilla world, pleasure/pain scenes seem horrific, to me, they are beautiful. They are both a physical and mental act of submission that can only be given to someone capable of Dominating with care.

Adjusting to a change in any relationship dynamic can be stressful. Learning to navigate a D/s relationship long distance is probably one of the hardest challenges I’ve faced in my relationship with Him.

While we have never lived close to each other, I was accustomed to being able to see Him fairly easily. It was an easy 1 hour 10 minute drive from my home to His, and I would have gladly driven that daily.

Being 1,200 miles away is a completely different ballgame. When I’m feeling the need to connect with Him, I no longer have the ability to drive down and crawl into bed next to Him. There is no more looking forward to our weekends together, waiting at the window for His truck to pull up like an excited child. I no longer shop for His snacks, or keep chocolate in the kitchen. In fact, I threw out what was left of His snacks. I don’t find His clothes in the laundry anymore, or pick up His dogs toys from the bedroom floor.

I’m having to learn new ways to connect with Him and grow our relationship. For the two of us, touch and physical intimacy is vital. We both need to be touched often, to feel wanted and appreciated. When we are together, I am constantly touching Him in small ways. While I don’t want another woman touching Him in the smaller, more intimate ways, such as lightly touching His back or playing with His hair, I understand that sex is vital for Him. Providing Him with the opportunity to fuck someone else is important to Him. He needs the freedom, the release, and the intensity. While I would rather it be me providing Him with all of His needs, I’m ready for us to challenge our relationship in this new direction.

Maintaining our rituals together is even more important now that we are apart. The simple “Goodnight” and “Good morning” texts are perhaps the most meaningful to me. For me, I do these because I want Him to know He is the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night.

But this is where I hit a wall. What else can I do to maintain the connection between us, to keep growing our relationship?

The first is to communicate. In the past we have assumed, or avoided difficult topics. I’ve learned to put that aside. If I need clarification, I ask. This has been incredibly reassuring lately in understanding what His intent is for our relationship. Having a clear idea of what He wants enables me to trust Him, and gives me new options for ways to serve Him.

The second is to schedule time to talk. Texting is fine, and lord knows when my phone doesn’t ding for an hour I get a little edgy. Hearing the sound of His voice is vital. Thank goodness for technology, especially when we can FaceTime. Having the chance to see His face and to talk to Him, especially if we are both missing each other, is a gift. We both need to learn to carve out time to talk regularly, and FaceTime as often as possible.

Remember when you are first in a relationship and you send sexy or silly pictures throughout the day to your new love? When and why did that stop? When did I stop sending Him pictures to make His cock hard? Navigating long distance means learning to take those pictures again. Sharing pictures throughout the day, both sexy and silly, is an important way to stay connected and communicate my feelings to Him.

The key to all of this is trust. Trusting Him to lead us through this separation and create something amazing for not only us, but our children as well. Trusting Him to be honest with me always. Trusting that we have both learned from our past and will not repeat our mistakes. Trusting that He takes His ownership of me as seriously as I do my submission to Him.

Let the countdown begin. I’m ready to move through this separation successfully so that we can be together fully.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the last few months is that in order to submit to Him, I need to feel safe with Him.

This means that I need Him to be kind and accepting when I have a rough day. Rather than take it personally and to treat me as though my emotions are an inconvenience, I need Him to remind me of my place. That I belong to Him, and Him to me.

While I strive to provide Him with the acceptance and reassurance that He needs at times, I need the same in return. To expect a submissive to navigate the “more complicated than vanilla” world of proper submission without ever having a weak moment is impossible. In my moments of weakness, I need Him to reach out and find a way to make me feel more connected.

Service to Him does not mean losing my fears, insecurities, trust issues, etc. Service to Him means that I will put these negative thoughts aside and do everything in my power to meet His needs. In return, I expect Him to meet mine as well. While I try not to make demands of Him, being my Dominant requires Him to be more aware and capable of giving the safety and reassurance that I need at times.

This means that when I tell Him I have a specific need, it is important that He listen to me. To understand that I am learning to overcome my fear of his reactions and learn to share and trust Him unconditionally. That I need Him not to take it personally, but to reassure me. Sometimes it is as simple as reminding me that I belong only to Him.

Submission is inherently risky. True submission requires vulnerability unlike anything in the vanilla world. Giving myself to Him in such a way that makes Him feel loved and complete requires me to trust Him more than I’ve trusted another human before.

This means that I need Him to make me feel safe in His care mentally as well as physically. True submission requires patience and a commitment to meeting each other’s needs selflessly at all times. Service to Him means that His wants and needs will always be my first priority, but to do so I need Him to make me feel safe.

It always comes back to balance. I need Him to make me feel loved and safe in order to submit, while He needs me to make Him feel loved and safe in order to Dominate.

I would like to think that it is pretty common knowledge that true submission is a choice. Gifting myself in such a profound way to Him is a decision I take seriously.

Choosing to submit to Him is a gift I give to Him daily. Belonging to Him is a choice. Every morning I message Him when I first wake up, and in a way, I am reaffirming my decision to belong to Him each day that way. I may only message Him “Good morning”, but I view this act as actively setting my mind on Him again. Beginning each day reminding both of us that He is my home.

I’ve chosen to be more open with my thoughts and feelings with Him this time around as well. I’m working on being less intimidated by his reactions and more open with communication. I’ve stopped being afraid to say “I love you.” Life is short, and not always easy. I would rather be open and express myself fully than live with regrets.

Overthinking can be my enemy in this. In the past, I was afraid to express myself so openly because I didn’t want Him to feel obligated or stuck. I want Him to choose me daily just as I choose Him. Not because He has to, or feels like I need Him, but because He wants me. Simple. This led me to hold back from Him emotionally, at least in expressing myself, as I was afraid of turning Him off or making Him feel pressured.

In choosing Him, I have to learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable. I have to learn to allow myself to be open and express my feelings without allowing the negative thoughts to undermine me. I have to trust that he values me as much as I value Him, and understand that He will express this differently than I do.

It’s an amazing feeling to get up each morning and actively choose to submit to Him. Every day, I choose to focus on Him, on our relationship, on His goals and our children. I don’t do so because I have to. I’m not obligated to be with Him by any means. I start each day choosing Him because I love Him. Simple.

While I used to feel that marriage and conventionally defined commitment made me feel safe and more secure in a relationship, with Him I am learning to find security in freedom. He chooses me daily just as I choose Him. Every day, He makes the effort to grow our relationship. Every day He finds ways to show me that He has chosen me above anyone else. I’ve never thought He was a big gestures kind of man, but lately He’s shown me otherwise. He’s chosen me as much as I have chosen Him.

There’s beauty in actively choosing each other every single day. Although vulnerable, it means we trust each other on a level I’ve never experienced in prior relationships. Giving each other the freedom to choose daily to serve each other is powerful.

I will always battle doubt. No matter the relationship, doubt will forever be my constant enemy.

Why?

I think it’s normal for all of us to experience self doubt from time to time. The trick is to not let this doubt take hold and create a negative space where there wasn’t one.

The issue for me is that past relationships have conditioned me to always doubt sincerity and intentions.

I love when He sends me selfies. Not only does it tell me that He is feeling good about Himself that day, but it makes me feel connected to Him. It makes me feel that He is thinking of me, especially if He is sharing pictures of His children. It tells me there is a deeper connection there than just the D/s aspect, and gives me reassurance.

The problem is that past relationships have discolored this experience for me. Finding out that your boyfriend sent the same selfie to not just you, but to his two side chicks as well? Every time? Heartbreaking. Having this happen repeatedly in committed relationships? Damaging.

So when He sends me photos, I have to remind myself to trust in Him and leave the past behind. I have to set that doubt aside and focus only on trusting and loving Him to the best of my ability, and trust that He takes His responsibility to me to heart.

The same can be said for when we lose communication. There was a time recently when He was unreachable. The next day He said He was in an area without cell service while with His cousin. A reasonable explanation. To be honest, He doesn’t owe me an explanation at all, but I appreciate that He is so forthcoming.

Then, after a very simple comment, the self doubt took hold. He made a joke about fucking His cousins friends. Immediately I felt insecure. Was He fucking someone that day He was out of contact? Is that why He is moving there?

When I was cheated on in the past, there would be times where my boyfriend would be out of contact for work, camping, etc. I found out much later that every time this happened, it was because he was with his side girls. In my blind trust, I helped him pack and prepare for weekends away with the women he was cheating on me with.

He made the comment to me yesterday that He was getting rid of the shirts that bothered me so much. The doubt crept in, thinking to myself He can’t be doing it for me, there has to be some other reason. What? I don’t know. But my self doubt creeps in and makes me wonder why. Instead of dwelling on it, I am focusing on the fact that He made sure I know He understood what bothered me, and He is taking action. It may seem like a small issue, but it was something that ate at me for a very long time. Knowing that He took my concern seriously makes me trust Him more than ever.

The hardest part lately has been moving past white lies or omissions. I know there have been some, and to dwell on them will ruin things for us. In learning to focus on trust and openness, I’m hoping this has created a safe space where He will always feel unconditionally loved and safe to be Himself at all times.

So now, when the self doubt creeps in, I remind myself that He chose me. For whatever reason, this man saw something in me that I didn’t see myself, and He wanted me. Instead of allowing the negative thoughts to creep in, I focus on the things He has done that show me what I mean to Him. Each time I feel doubt, I think of five things He did that made me feel loved, and that helps to reset my focus on trusting in Him and loving Him.