Interesting how there are so many terms for identifying your mood or current mental health within the lifestyle. Even more interesting is how open lifestyle people are with discussing their mental well being, while in the vanilla world so much is still swept under the rug.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I’ve been so drawn to the lifestyle. Not only am I able to live openly without shame and explore my kinks, but I’m able to speak about my mental status and share openly without fear. It’s amazing to be involved in such a supportive and open minded community.

Tonight, the discussion group online centered around service burnout. Feeling overwhelmed? Finding yourself not as enthhusiastic about your service? Procrastinating? Avoiding? Going through the motions but lacking the feeling behind it all?

You, my friend, could be suffering from burnout.

Simply put, it is normal and totally acceptable for a submissive to experience burnout. During especially trying times, burnout is to be expected.

The trick to burnout is identifying and managing it.

For me, I realize that I will begin to neglect myself when I am reaching burnout. I am capable of staying focused on Him and fulfilling His needs, but will begin to totally neglect myself or my own personal chores. I may still serve Him, but I am avoiding the giant mountain of laundry in the garage, the car that needs to be washed and serviced, the broken sprinklers in the backyard, and so many other tasks that are completely unrelated to Him.

Burnout also opens the door to negative thoughts. I get frustrated easily when normally I wouldn’t. I may speak back to Him more than I should, or in a tone that isn’t allowed. I certainly push the boundaries when I am in burnout. I doubt His sincerity, or intentions. I will find reasons for doubt and build insecurity from offhand comments He makes. Burnout, for me, means I will go through the motions but my heart just isn’t in it.

The question then becomes, “How do I fix this?”

For most submissives, they would bring this to their Dominant and ask for His guidance and care in getting back on track. How they choose to do so can vary. Some in the discussion group tonight said their Dominants will typically restructure their duties, and gradually retrain them. One submissive shared that she “works for emotional paychecks” and when she is suffering from burnout, it is because her Dominant has not tended to her emotional well being. She’s learned to speak to her Dominant, and when this happens, they work on finding time to be more connected.

So how do you manage burnout long distance with someone who is admittedly not an affectionate or warm person? How do you manage burnout with a Dominant who is burned out Himself? How does someone who “works for emotional paychecks” manage a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?

For one, I’ve learned that it can help to openly discuss and share with other submissives. I don’t want advice, or direction, I want camaraderie. I don’t expect them to have the answers. I just need to know I am not alone.

The next step is to eat better. I struggle on my best of days with eating right, which is one of His directives. When I am in burnout, a balanced meal is the absolute last thing on my mind. Forcing myself to make a healthy meal surprisingly does help.

Mix in a little sunshine, fresh air and exercise and typically I will see my mood lift a little. I’m not a gym rat, and actually feel very uncomfortable at the gym. Going for a run has always been my mental health go-to, but single parenting can often get in the way of the ability to get out and run. Pushing myself to find the opportunity, not matter what is going on in my daily life, is vital to kicking the burnout.

The hardest part of conquering burnout is the lack of physical connection. It’s no secret that a D/s relationship often requires more care and effort than a vanilla relationship, and I think that is even more true when it comes to relieving burnout. Not being able to physically touch Him and be intimate with Him has been my biggest roadblock to overcoming burnout. Simply put, I can’t kick it. My only need in this is to serve Him and to be with Him. Ours isn’t an overly affectionate relationship. We are both private and protective of our relationship. While I appreciate all of His assurances and affirmations, nothing can ever replace being in His presence.

For me, learning to manage burnout is going to involve accepting that I cannot overcome it. I must learn to just work with it. I don’t get to be with Him or visit, and acceptance of this fact is vital to moving forward.

So for now, managing the burnout means making sleep a priority. Managing my time appropriately so that I not only care for Him adequately, but make time for myself as well. Finding the chance to run whenever possible. Fueling my body with healthier options and skipping the processed sugars. Journaling. Focusing on the positive. Reminding myself that in spite of the burnout, I am still His, I am still happy, and I am still moving forward.

Participating in an online discussion group tonight prompted some questions regarding service.

To begin with, I would call my service to Him as Devotional. I am Devoted to His happiness, health and comfort. My service to Him revolves around caring for Him in every way possible. While distance creates some challenges for us, it offers us opportunities as well. I’m learning to trust Him on a level I’ve never trusted another man. We communicate better than ever. We are exploring and challenging our relationship beyond what I originally thought was possible.

My service to Him didn’t start out this way. Certainly we dove in, but even so, my submission to Him has grown over time. The stronger our bond, the more motivated I am to serve Him in any way possible.

So what really motivates me to serve?

Love.

Simply put, loving Him gives me the strength to serve Him so deeply. My service is not conditional. I have committed myself to Him, which means there is nothing I will not work through with Him. I stand beside Him and support Him in any challenge. If He shares with me a goal or a wish, it is my privilege to work with Him to realize His dreams.

Serving Him makes me feel unique, feminine, safe, loved and owned. My commitment to Him far outmeasures previous relationships. I am the most content in my role and find the closer I feel to Him, the more I want to serve.

Loving Him is what gives me the strength to serve Him.

Body service is on the of the most intimate ways to serve Him when we are together. Caring for His physical well being and appearance makes me feel more feminine and owned by Him than most other acts of service.

In our relationship, He has allowed me to prepare His shower for Him, to hand Him the towel, to bathe Him.

In research, there are far more ways to perform body service that hopefully will appeal to Him.

Bathtime rituals can be a chance to reaffirm my love for Him while making Him look and feel His best. Far beyond just the act of lathering Him up, it is an opportunity to touch Him, to massage Him during bathing, to use specialized bath products to make Him feel pampered and cared for.

I’d love to learn to shave Him. The act of using shaving cream and grooming Him is appealing because it seems to trusting on His part and loving on mine. Grooming His body overall is appealing as I know this requires a lot of effort on His part and is sometimes an annoyance for Him. Having the opportunity to worship Him in service like this would make us both happy.

Learning to massage has been a goal for me, mainly to help alleviate His pain and discomfort. Massage can be used to alleviate pain and headaches, all of which can be a constant challenge for Him.

The goal in being together is to be able to serve Him completely. Body service is the most appealing to me because I know that He craves being touched and loved, while I crave being of service and expressing my love to Him in ways that He can feel deeply.

Yesterdays conversation with Him about narcissism opened up a difficult discussion at therapy today.

In my therapists opinion, D/s is a narcissists dream. Having a partner who is devoted to fulfilling their needs and caring for them selflessly is what a narcissist is naturally going to be drawn to.

Do I think this is true? It’s likely. Do I think He is a narcissist? Yes.

The biggest question today was, “Do you think you are getting anything healthy out of the relationship at this point?”

We are stronger together now than we have been before. He is opening up and allowing me to be a bigger part of His life than previously allowed. I feel closer to Him in many ways, but farther from Him in many others. We are discussing more and more subjects openly than we did prior.

Am I receiving everything I need in the relationship by serving Him? Yes, serving Him makes me happy. He’s expressed to me before that He has never felt truly loved in any relationship. I hope that everything I do for Him helps to communicate my feelings toward Him in a way that He can feel deeply. Focusing on service to Him brings me joy because I know that I am able to alleviate His stress in some ways and to bring something positive to His life.

Is that enough to keep me content?

No. In truth, constant service to another with no reciprocated care is only going to exhaust a person.

I’ve always felt that in relationships, the balance will shift naturally over time. When your partner is going through difficulties, you give more in order to support your partner. Others times, you may need more from your partner than previous. No relationship is ever truly 50/50.

In D/s, I do think a Dominant’s care is vital to the survival of the relationship. If anything, a D/s relationship requires more effort and care than a vanilla relationship. Navigating complex emotional and physical situations requires commitment, trust and care beyond what many expect when first entering the lifestyle.

While I may struggle lately with the disconnect I feel from Him, I have faith that at some point the tide will turn.

For now, I continue to focus on supporting and loving Him through any situation, hoping that this will pay off for us as a family soon.

In my prior relationships, I would often find myself placating or downright lying to my partner when discussing difficult topics. Sometimes I would do so out of fear of the truth and what their reaction might be. Other times I just wanted to avoid the subject and make it go away as fast as possible. Still others, I was afraid that speaking the truth would hurt them.

Lying and placating led only to everyone being miserable in the end. I found this out during my divorce, when suddenly I couldn’t stand being that woman anymore. I lost my fear of the truth and started being honest. It led to painful moments, but some incredible growth as well.

It took years for me to find confidence in being my true self. Learning to be honest with myself as well as others has led to some amazing changes in my life. I’ve lost a lot of negative people, including my ex husband. I’ve gained some incredible friendships. I’ve made better choices for myself and my daughter.

My conversation with Him today challenged my commitment to the truth, however.

“Do you think I’m a narcissist?”

When that text popped up on my screen, my first instinct was to say “Absolutely not.” He’s been painfully stressed beyond measure for months now, and my gut instinct is to smooth things over and avoid anything that might add to his stress.

But sometimes, timing is everything. And the truth is always the best choice.

Days before this, I had a discussion with my older brother regarding my relationship. While my brother is aware that we have a more traditional D/s relationship beyond the bedroom, he hasn’t met Him yet nor experienced our relationship firsthand. I don’t hide my relationship from my brothers, but I do respect our privacy and keep appropriate boundaries. As I’ve said before, I view our relationship outside of the bedroom similar to that of a conservative submissive Christian wife, and I am careful to conduct myself in a way that honors our relationship.

My brother had asked me how our relationship was surviving the new distance, and how that was affecting me personally. I expressed to my brother that I am lonely, but that I was finding ways to stay busy in serving Him. Always one to try and fix anything that is upsetting me, my brother immediately offered to fly me out to Him for a visit. Knowing I would refuse, he insisted it would be my birthday present.

“I don’t think He wants me there, actually.” As soon as I said it, I realized that I’ve been feeling rejected by Him. While I find happiness in serving Him, without the physical connection it can be a challenge to feel secure in our relationship. The old doubts come back, and I am left feeling like the dirty secret again.

My brothers response was to say, “So he gets to leave you behind, and you sit here missing him and doing everything for him and get what out of it exactly? I don’t see how this is good for you at all. He gets everything and you get nothing. He sounds like a narcissist.”

I didn’t defend Him. In some ways, I know my brother is right. But I also know that nothing I say will convince my brother otherwise. It was wrong of me to even say what I did. So instead, I said, “I chose Him. I chose this life with Him. I chose His kids, and His challenges, His family, His failures and His successes. Your wife would say the same about you.”

The conversation led to a heated argument between my brother and I, finally ending days later. The whole week it has weighed me down, leaving me exhausted and depressed.

Is He a narcissist? Yes. There are times in our relationship where He has acted selfishly and without thought for the effect His actions have on others. I’ve known this from the start. Most Dominants, in my experience, are narcissistic at times. Our relationship centers around my care of Him, and certainly in the last few months my own needs have been put aside.

In choosing Him, I knew that I would need to love selflessly. My submission to Him is a testament of faith. I am trusting Him that He genuinely means for us to be together and to have the life we have talked about. I am trusting Him to be committed to me and the life we are building. My submission to Him isn’t conditional. Although there are times where I feel lost in the experience as my own needs aren’t fulfilled, I have faith that this will change. I must stay focused on serving Him in spite of any doubts that creep in.

So today, when He asked if I think he is a narcissist, I answered Him honestly. Yes, He can be a narcissist. But that isn’t WHO He is. We are all narcissists to an extent, and most Dominants I have encountered more so than average.

He isn’t a narcissist in a way that I think is damaging to others, and that is key.

He is a good father. He knows His children, understands who they are as individuals. He openly expresses His love to them and feels connected to them. His face lights up with a soft smirk whenever He speaks about His children. While His children are a natural extension of Him, He is proud of who they are as their own person.

He is thoughtful, and kind to others. He is quick to respond when a friend is in need. He is reassuring and grounding during times of chaos. He takes His responsibility to others to heart, and works to be a good leader to His friends and family always. He is sentimental, and loves His family deeply. He is appreciative of the love and care that His family gives to Him and is quick to return it.

He is capable of acts of great love, something which I think most true narcissists cannot do.

Being capable of answering Him truthfully today was a milestone moment for me in our relationship. I felt truly safe to be honest with Him. I was able to answer Him with love and respect. His acceptance and reflection on this was just further proof to me that this is truly the man I want to belong to. He is capable of great things, and our relationship will only continue to grow under His guidance.

In all my experience with Him, I’ve learned that my submission to Him is a gift. Giving Him the love, trust and responsibility of being my Dominant is really the deepest level of commitment to me. My faith in Him far surpasses anything I’ve experienced in prior relationships.

Submission gives me the ability to reaffirm my commitment and love for Him in millions of small ways every single day. Finding opportunities to honor Him and our relationship fulfill me like nothing prior ever has. I’m proud of the way our relationship is growing and our bond is strengthening.

My submission to Him is such an integral part of our relationship, that I don’t think we would feel the same for each other without it. We find balance and satisfaction in our roles within the relationship. I’m most content when I am serving Him and He is caring for me. Nothing compares.

The best part of my submission to Him is that at the core, it isn’t sexual. My submission to Him in our everyday life is what brings us the most growth and happiness.

I take pride in knowing that by expressing my love for Him in such a unique way, I am giving Him the freedom to be His true self openly. Being so completely His makes me feel feminine, safe, powerful, loved and respected. I’m sure that without my submission I could feel the same, but the intensity would inevitably be different. The level of passion and connection D/s brings to our life together is immeasurable.

I never understood my preferences and boundaries clearly in regards to BDSM until I met Him. So often you hear people say “When you know, you know.” I think that’s the most appropriate way to describe my connection to Him and the way that BDSM was so easy to integrate into our life together. It is a part of who we are, both together and individually.

Humiliation has never played a part in our dynamic. He has never spoken down to me, degraded me, in any way made me feel disrespected. Reflecting back on past experiences, I understand now why I was unable to submit to others fully, why I was always “topping from the bottom.” Humiliation of any sort would take me out of the mental space I needed to be in for submission. I never felt safe in my submission prior to meeting Him.

With Him, BDSM is another way we can express our love for each other. Because I am safe with Him, I am able to surrender and truly experience the BDSM aspect of our relationship fully. I’ve only ever achieved subspace with Him, and I know this is because I am safe with Him. While we may share ourselves with others, we reserve the BDSM only for when we are alone together. The level of trust and care He gives to carrying out scenes is proof to me that my submission is valued by Him.

BDSM is another way we challenge ourselves, our bond, our relationship and our communication. Every experience brings us closer together. Belonging to Him in such a way brings me contentment I’ve never known.

So often, the vanilla community judges the act of submission as negative and derogatory, often even as abusive.

When I first began to speak to other submissives openly about my experiences, I would often notice that many women submitted to their Dominants only sexually. Their submission ended at the bedroom door. Many were subject to deliberate pain and humiliation by their Dominants, too.

The beauty of my submission to Him, is that I feel empowered by the act of submission. From the beginning of our relationship, He made it very clear that He respects me. He has never humiliated me, doesn’t talk down to me or insult me. There has never been a time, during intimate moments or otherwise, where He hasn’t made sure I felt loved and respected.

If anything, His care and treatment of me is what motivates me to do my best in service to Him. I am proud that my submission to Him extends far beyond the bedroom, and I enjoy the more traditional aspects of our dynamic. Serving Him so completely, in my opinion, is similar to conservative Christian’s who believe in a wife being submissive to her husband. I take pride in my service to Him, and in being able to show others how D/s doesn’t have to include humiliation and degradation. I hope that the more we are able to show a more loving, respectful D/s dynamic, that it will help to alter other’s perspectives on the lifestyle in general.

I have yet to have a fantasy that He isn’t willing to fulfill. He encourages me to explore my kinky side and to share any thoughts or ideas I have with him.

Typically, I am very protective of our relationship. While I enjoy sharing Him, I treasure our connection enough to know that it should be treated with respect and care. While I don’t hide my submission, I feel that when we are intimate with others I want to keep that side of our life private.

Lately, however, I have fantasized about bringing another woman into parts of our relationship. Tonight in particular, I shared with Him a new fantasy I have been having. From His reaction, I can look forward to fulfilling my fantasy very soon.

It’s just as important to me that He shares His own fantasies with me as well. We’ve fulfilled one of His fantasies recently, with me sending women to service Him. It makes me feel closer to Him when I’m able to give Him his dreams. More so, it makes me feel secure in my relationship with Him, as I know that what we have together is unique and neither of us could ever have this with anyone else.

I watched my daughter climbing rocks at the beach this weekend, and realized how often I say “Be careful” to her as she is playing.

I realized that I am always trying to instill caution in her rather than encouraging her to take risks and challenge herself.

It was one of those pivotal moments where I recognized that I am more and more aware of His hand guiding me. He is often telling me to stop hovering so much, to give my daughter more independence. In that moment I recognized what He has been trying to teach me. I felt more His than I had for days, understanding that He shapes who I am even when we aren’t together.

His gift of Dominance is not just for me. He gives me the strength and guidance to be a better Mother, supporting me in parenting as no one else ever has. His Dominance will help shape the woman my child will grow into, and for that I am incredibly thankful.